Munch: Burger Wellington

A feed for fuck-all

Caffe L’Affare

What: Get Smashed burger

Price: $10.00 

Remarkable price, unremarkable burger. 

⭐⭐

At $17 below this year’s average burger price, the Get Smashed from Caffe L’Affare was off to a good start. Plenty of other people agreed: the line for a table here was out the door when I arrived at lunchtime. Inside, the kitchen was churning out burgers; a long row of white-and-red-checked paper trays was lined up on the counter for service. Certainly a quantity-based approach to the festival. 

If the gingham serviettes weren’t a giveaway, this burger was pretty classic. A shiny brioche bun and a thin, charred beef patty, with some squares of orange cheese on top and a tangy red sauce, plus salty shoestring fries. However, the burger was advertised as also having pickles and a creamy housemade burger sauce, which were both missing. 

Also missing was any sort of backbone to the bun. As soon as I picked it up, the bread deflated and the burger sagged in height by half, to be not much taller than a hefty sandwich. The patty itself was very thin and aggressively overseasoned, the red sauce too sharp and the thin slices of cheese vanished amongst it all. It didn’t seem like the kitchen was well set up for the demand that this bargain burger had created and were rushing to get them out. Neither prepared, it seemed, were the front of house, who were brusque and curt as they raced around the cafe. Had the Get Smashed been part of a meal, maybe in the form of a couple sliders or simply a cheaper burger, this kind of quality would have been excusable. Or, if they had gone the other way and charged, say, $13.00 for something made with more care or design, it might also have worked. 

Instead, L’Affare walked a worst-of-both-worlds line. They tried to sell a fastfood cheeseburger out of a gourmet kitchen, creating a demand that they couldn’t meet. At the same time, it was also meant to be a unique festival burger, except its only bell or whistle was being cheaper than (almost) everyone else. This left everything resting on the quality production of its few ingredients, which, at the same time, had to be produced in great quantities… 

But, credit where credit is due, L’Affare were by far the cheapest true burger. I hope the festival was lucrative for them, and that they might have started a new race-to-the-bottom competition for the best affordable Burger Wellington. 

Lucky 8

What: Hao Good gua bao

Price: $8.88

Coming up from the bottom with a hefty punch of flavour. 

⭐⭐⭐

Lucky 8 has always struck me as a bit of a fad: trying to be edgy and affordable with dishes for $8.88, of which you then need to order at least four to make a meal. Granted, I’d never been. Not until they released their Burger Wellington, which took out the top of the festival’s price list (the top, at least, when you sort by price low-to-high). I was ready to be catfished, to be served a single morsel put together with tweezers and be left with just a fleeting memory to review. Pleasantly, this was not the case. 

The Hao Good gua bao was the size of a small bread roll, the ones that come in packs of twelve from the supermarket. Already better than expected. The milk bao dough was springy and soft, contrasting delightfully with the fried spring-roll-style parcel that filled it, which shattered as I bit through it. Inside this was a delicious, rich wagyu brisket with gouda cheese, while the rest of the filling was comprised of a chunky mango chutney, lettuce and arugula, and—though it wasn’t on the menu—I swear that there was some sort of kaffir leaf mayonnaise as well. 

Regardless, it was divine. The silky kaffir sauce wafted around you even before you bit down and was the first flavour on the palate, pairing surprisingly well with the deeply savoury, meaty brisket. Here and there would be a pop of sweetness as you bit through cubes of jammy mango, while the pillowy bao and brittle fried pastry kept things texturally interesting. It was an excellent play of contrasts, with very individually strong flavours that paired together brilliantly. 

It was—as mini burgers go—quite filling, the steamed dough being more dense than an ordinary bread bun and having a reasonably-sized portion of meat filling. I was very happy to be surprised here, and will have to conclude that this was my favourite burger this year. 

Graze Wine Bar

What: Yea Buoy Slider

Price: $15.00

A nice Filet-o-Fish at nouvelle value. 

⭐

Kelburn’s Graze Wine Bar is not a contender that I would expect to appear on the Munch Burger Wellington list. They’re the kind of place that sells oysters and gets Michelin commendations. They work with small-scale, local providers to produce a menu of small sharing dishes that will cost you around $25–$30 a plate. 

But they also offered the third cheapest burger of this year’s WOAP season at $15 (tied with the Interislander Ferry, whose Ferry Tale burger I wasn’t able to get to). That said, their Yea Buoy slider wasn’t some secretly great-value deal; it was in line with the rest of their menu, with beautiful ingredients served in a very small portion. 

The slider was less than the size of a soda can and dwarfed by the glass fish dish that it came on. The full-sized knife and fork I was given was a good gag too, as if I’d need to cut this slider down into manageable pieces. Size aside, it was a tidy looking burger. The potato pretzel bun had a glossy sheen to it, and the steel skewer through the middle was hard at work keeping all the contents of this tall slider together. In no particular order, there was: a patty of butterfish and octopus chorizo, a mussel fritter, butterfish skin crackling, cured pāua, a smoked kina and tomato custard, smoked gouda, and a slice of pickle. 

Not that I would have been able to distinguish all those flavours on their own; I couldn’t do so despite knowing what I was supposed to be tasting. Theoretically, I was looking forward to a kind of smoky, rich but sharp, tomato-seafood paella experience. In practice, it was just a nice fish burger. The bun was malty and a little dense, but springy like a good pretzel should be. The mix of fish and shellfish meat was well balanced, being light and flavourful: buttery with a hint of smoke and brine. This was well supported by the smoked gouda and the tomato custard, adding a smooth richness, while the tomato and the pickle cut through this for a note of brightness. The butterfish crackling was overpowered in this medley and went soft quickly; I would have served a couple of those separately instead, like an avant-garde side of chips. To no one’s great surprise, the high-end Kelburn wine bar did not, in fact, offer a secretly-great-value burger for students, but a tasty, gastronomic side dish to go with a half-dozen oysters and a bottle of riesling. 

Did you try the Interislander Ferry Tale? Were the Puku Pies burgers secretly incredible value? Or are you an offended die-hard L’Affare fan? Send me something to chew on at: guy@salient.org.nz.