Hunk Unc: How do you get people to stop committing floorcrest??? Relationships are getting messy

This Unc is sad. Football is coming to a close, and by the time you read this, the FIFA Club World Cup will be over, the All Blacks will have absolutely annihilated Italy, and the Blues will have beaten the Maroons.

Do you know what all these situations have in common? They’re full of people with drive, ambition, and the desire to do well—to change their lives and win a Cup, Trophy, or Shield for their country. Well, except for Italy. That was just a test match.

These characteristics are the absolute opposite of those displayed by people committing floorcest.

Floorcest is committed by people who are lazy—they don’t want to look beyond what’s directly in front of them—and who lack forethought. Now, listen: I can hear you first-years yelling at me. But they’re so hot and perfect, and I’ve never met anyone like them before. We’re different.

And sure, maybe a couple of you are.

But in my first year, an old mate of mine was sleeping with five girls on the same floor. Things got very messy when they all found out about one another. Then there was the time I hooked up with the person in the room next to mine, only to hear them hooking up with someone else while I was cramming for an exam one night.

Not every reader can be the exception to the rule.

Though, given that it’s Trimester Two, you’ve probably figured this out by now.

To the reader who reached out: the best thing you can do is ignore it all. Don’t get in the way of a group of 18-year-olds having sex without worrying that their parents will come home early—for many of them, it’s the first time they’ve had that freedom.

Keep your nose out of it and your eyes on people’s faces, not the hickeys on their necks. If your best friend comes to you upset because their lover has other lovers on the same floor, just be a shoulder to cry on. You can tell them I told you so a couple of weeks later.

Trust me: in almost any situation involving someone else’s love life, the best thing you can do is keep your head out of it. People who are in love—or grinding those love hips—don’t want to be told they’re doing something wrong. Nine times out of ten, they’ll ignore any advice you give them anyway.

Unless a relationship is abusive, stay out of it. Focus on your friendships, not what happens behind other people’s closed doors.