Blocking your number tomorrow. Will still think of you anyway.

Belle Garay

Blocking your number tomorrow. Will still think of you anyway. 

(After Lev St. Valentine) 

The oranges are in season again. Farmer’s market pretty. Vibrant as sun. 

Did you want me to save you some? Probably not, huh? It’s fine. 

We used to make marmalade. 

These days, I’m better now. Seeing a therapist, focussing on my studies, treating myself to fresh fruit, you understand. I went to a concert last week and got a guy’s number. 

What’s life like back home? I know it’s winter where you are, do you still have that brown jacket? 

I’m sorry I didn’t text you first, but I guess in fairness you haven’t done that since like, six months ago. Not that I'm counting. Or anything. 

I’m here wishing. 

Wishing you'd give me a branch to hold onto. Or maybe some sour cocktails in a loud, trashy bar we’d ditch after an hour. Maybe something simple, low hanging fruit. Anything, really. I just want to be assured it wasn’t just me trying in this. 

Saw a girl with zebra striped hair clips and blonde bangs. Thought of you. 

Don’t think you ever knew me. That’s fine. 

You frustrate me more than you know. 

I’m squeezing juice for lemonade. In case I didn’t tell you, the secret ingredient is honey. I should probably stop now. I’m fine. For the first time in a while, it’s true.

Blocking your number tomorrow. Think I’ll try to move on but I’m not sure that it’ll work. (After Lev St. Valentine) 

I saw a poster on the noticeboard for a stolen car the other day. An older model. White. I was going to take a picture and send it to you. One day, I won’t have that thought. 

These days, the weight inside my chest is lighter. Got that cat I always wanted, editing short stories as a side job, sleeping early, you get the idea. I’m going on a date tomorrow with this guy I met at the train station. 

Australia’s not too far from here. You asked me if I could come with you. I wonder if you knew what you were doing. Do you still have my old books? 

My friend taught me how to change a tire. Broke a sweat but it was worth it. We finished our road trip just in time. We blasted that song you and I both loved that I always imagined was just 

mine.

Saw a boy with a maroon button-up and copper curls. Thought of you. (I didn’t want to.) You knew me more than I wanted you to. 

Yesterday I read about bonfires and you didn’t enter my mind. It’ll be slow, but all good things take time. One day, I won’t think about it at all. 

The white car was eventually found, but it was broken down. 

Hope you know I’m always going to be lurking in the first chapters of your novel. At least you can’t erase me in the same way I can’t purge you out. 

I think you cared about me more than you knew you did. One day, I won’t need that confirmation.