Rating Star Wars Characters Based On How Much Tboy Swag We Think They Have

by R2-BEAR2 (he/him) and Jar-Jar Twinks (glup/shitto)

8: Lando Calrissian

Coming in strong at number eight is Lando Calrissian. He doesn’t have tboy swag because while we aren’t ones to make chaser allegations, we are making them against him. Wearing a fuckass blue cloak is the Star Wars universe equivalent of having a neon flashing sign above your head that says ‘BOYPUSSY EATER.’ 

7: Han Solo

Imagine the shittiest, greasiest, nastiest ex-boyfriend you’ve ever had. Awful. Now make him exactly the same but now he’s a butch lesbian. Awooga. That’s Han Solo. 

6: C-3PO

C-3PO is the Legolas of the Star Wars universe. If you get it, you get it. That robot is spiritually a they/them twink covered in glitter you’d meet at Ivy who offers you poppers in the bathroom and runs their Grindr account like some extra virgin space olives (well-pressed and oiled.) Are you taking this seriously? We’re not. 

5: Obi-Wan Kenobi

Obi-Wan is definitely a trans elder who has been on space-testerone since before you were born. That’s the most erotic thing anyone has ever written. He’s doing shit like organising fundraising events and community barbecues and plays the Jizz-box in a Jizz band in his spare time, which is also what he calls his -

4: Anakin Skywalker / Darth Vader

Champion podracer and infamous sand-hater Anakin Skywalker may be evil, but he does have swag. True tboy swag transcends morality, as real tboys know, and Anakin has unethical amounts of swag. Transforming into Darth Vader kinda gives I Saw The Space-TV Glow meets Space-Crimes of the Future. Burnt and severed flesh kept alive by a suit that’s both life support system and symbol of his suffering? Hello, body horror. Hello, transgender. 

3: Chewbacca

Full bush? Mama, he’s the whole forest. Someone’s got to represent the bros who get so hairy on T they start shaving their back. Don’t do it, king. Chewbacca would want you to put that razor down and hit the gym. Tboy bears are up there with the dolls and lesbian fujoshis for people most important to the queer ecosystem, and Chewbacca is the finest example we have. In the wise words of Chewie, rawrrghrwagh. 

2: Luke Cockwalker

Ha, I bet you were all expecting Mr Tboy McTboyface to top this list. Jokes on you, Luke’s not topping anything. Luke Cockwalker did not wear black velvet and the Chanel boots to the sarlacc pit just for R2-BEAR2 and Jar-Jar Twinks (yes, those are our real names) to say that someone else is the first tboy in Star Wars. Don’t worry mr cock walker. I saw your Chanel boots. If I see my padawan at pride, inbox me do not. Know, I already do. Hmmm..

1: R2-D2

At his core, R2-D2 just does his own thang. And there’s nothing more tboy than that. He knows what’s up, he’s strong, he’s independent, he’s just fucking chilling. There could be something academic to be said about how being a robot inherently transcends human notions of gender, but this isn’t an academic article. It’s a list about tboy swag. And skating around on those triangle conveyor-belt wheels like they’re fucking space-roller skates is the most tboy and the most swag shit in the entire space-galaxy.