Lessons on Life, Love and Other Stuff: On Love Island, Body Counts and Shame

Dear dating diary, 

Like many of you lovely readers I have recently been watching Love Island. No spoilers, but all the islanders were asked about their body counts as part of a challenge recently. Their answers typically ranged from around 5 to 12 (with some significantly higher). As one does, I reflected on my own body count (9) and felt a weird bit of shame surrounding it. I feel as though the people on Love Island are stereotypically those with higher body counts. It forced me to question, is 9 quite high? Considering I am not dating anyone right now, it seems only inevitable that my body count will hit the double digits soon… which is a terrifying thought. 

Before I broke up with my long-term boyfriend, I had a body count of 3. It was a number I had absolutely no shame in sharing. I felt it made sense given my situation. However, over the past year my body count has risen by 6 more people and is now a number I feel less proud of. There are probably a couple people who, if I had the chance to do it all over, I would not do them all over again (if you catch my drift). There was nothing wrong with the sex, it just didn’t leave me feeling fulfilled and didn’t add much to my life. In this weird way, it feels as though I am self-imposing this limit upon myself with how many people I am allowed to sleep with in my life. Therefore, by sleeping with those two people who did not feel “worth it,” I feel like I have wasted two of my available slots. If I didn’t sleep with them, then my number would be 7 and that feels more socially acceptable than 9.  

I know 9 is not even a high number in the grand scheme of things. For someone in their early-mid 20s, 9 is a very normal number that no one would really bat an eye at. My fear is probably more rooted in where it goes from here. How high will my body count rise and at what point will people start to care? It’s like that famous saying, “you got to kiss a few frogs before you find your prince.” Except this time, it’s about sex and sleeping with people until you find the one. 

I worry that once I hit double digits, I’ll really sound as though I’ve slept around a lot. Which let’s be real, for the past year I somewhat have! And realistically, I probably will continue to sleep with people until I meet my next long-term partner. However, every time I go out, the idea of my body count hitting double digits echoes in the back of my mind. It puts me off flirting with people because what if one thing leads to another and then we add to the tally. This self-imposed sense of shame is starting to impact the enjoyment of my nights out. 

Why the fuck do I even care? This idea of having a body count is somewhat stupid. There is no such thing as a “good body count.” You have just slept with as many people as you’ve slept with. It’s a concept so rooted in misogyny and women remaining “pure.” It forces one to feel guilty about leading a sex-positive life! I would hate for this article to make someone else feel ashamed about their body count, because frankly I don’t care what it is! It wouldn’t shape my opinion of you in the slightest. You friends won’t love you any more or less depending on how many people you’ve slept with. Your body count won’t stop you from meeting the love of your life. It is just a statistic that you should not let rule your life. 

The flip side is I have now begun to feel shame about the shame I feel about my body count. It feels almost anti-feminist to even care about something so trivial and rooted in misogyny. If I really was a sex-positive and confident individual, I would feel no shame about my body count. I’d embrace the sexual freedom of my early 20s and do whatever I pleased, whether that be sex or not, without fear of how others would perceive me. However, internalised misogyny has maybe won this battle for now. One day I will win the war, though! Because, frankly put, who gives a fuck. No point wasting my energy feeling stink over something no one else cares about. 

Lesson: You should never compare yourself to anyone on Love Island, it’ll only make you feel bad about yourself.