Lessons on Life, Love and Other Stuff: On Acting a Fool, Hangxiety, and Sobriety

Dear dating diary, 

My new year's resolution this year was to act a fool and embarrass myself. This was originally intended as a sort of “don’t worry what other people think, put yourself out there and post whatever you want.” For example, reaching out to Phoebe about this column was a push to put work out that I maybe wouldn’t have originally taken! I would say I have most definitely acted a fool this year, but not in a good way.  

The truth is that I have embarrassed myself in front of a lot of people over the past couple of months whilst under the influence. Some have stuck by me and others I haven’t seen since, and I will never know if that is from my off-putting behaviour or just a coincidence. However, regardless of what happens, I end the weekend being consumed by shame and hangxiety. I fill the next day with questioning why I came so strong to that one person, why I overshared so much, and why on earth I said yes to another one?!? Hangxiety gets the best of me, and I am sick of it, and I am more than certain that my friends are sick of hearing about it!! After a pretty horrendous experience on Saturday night, I have been forced to reflect inwards and question if this is what I want for myself? It’s most certainly not the impression I want to give off about who I am! 

The question that really circles in my mind is, “do I have a problem?” It’s a very easy thought to dismiss—“Oh, but I could stop if I wanted to!” or “Well, I went sober last Friday so I must be fine.” The reality is, I don’t think that I have an addiction BUT I most certainly have a problem. It’s not healthy to go out drinking and feel horrible and anxiety ridden the next day every single weekend. Especially when that anxiety starts to outweigh the fun you had the night before and take over your life. 

I am a victim of my own actions, but I can also be the beneficiary of them. I don’t need to feel horrible every single weekend, and I don’t need to sacrifice my social life to do so! I am planning on taking a break for a while and embracing the challenge of sobriety until I get my actions and anxiety under control. I am actually really excited for this journey and to reconnect with who I truly am.  

I had a cry to my flatmate the other day about how I don’t feel like myself and that people's perception of me is so different to my own. There are very few individuals that I feel really see all of me, my flatmate being one. I feel as though he has a grounded understanding of my true character—one which is different to the character I play whilst drinking. I have this fear that some people have a two-dimensional understanding of who I am. I am so much more than a girl who always has a crazy story to tell every Monday about her weekend. I want to be able to showcase that third dimension of myself more often. 

However, being yourself, truly yourself, is completely and utterly frightening. On further reflection of my new year's resolution, I think I am starting to understand the true meaning of acting a fool. Feeling as though I play a character each time I interact with others, especially when drinking, is not authentically being true to me. I have mistaken confidence for authenticity but have recently learnt you can be confident playing the part of someone else. I need to be vulnerable with who I truly am, no matter how foolish that is. The one that gets nervous about ridiculous things and doesn’t try to “act cool” in front of others. I hope that taking a break from drinking will give me space to do this with more conscious effort. Although it’ll be scary, it will most certainly be more worthwhile in the long run. The hard part will be learning to do it without feeling immense shame. 

Lesson: If you’re starting to feel horrible about every weekend, maybe it is time for you to take a break from being so chaotic and go sober! Reflect on who you are at your core and try to embrace that!