Hunk Unc

Hunk Unc: How do you get over someone who was great to you when you were together but awful after you broke up?

Would you believe it if I said I’ve had a boatful of variations on this one land in the inbox? I’m going to reply to a few of them over the course of the year, but if one of those was yours, please take this advice as universal—not just a one-off.

The thing about breakups—whether it’s a friendship, a romance, a situationship, or even a job or class you really loved—is that once it’s over, it’s easy to slip on the rose-tinted goggles. This is generic advice, sure, but there’s a reason people keep saying it. Let’s break it down a bit.

Right now, you’re dealing with a full 180. You’ve gone from romantic dates, connection, conversation, and probably feeling properly seen and valued by this person, to someone who’s giving you none of that. What you’re struggling to get over isn’t necessarily just the relationship itself—it’s also the feeling of being valued by them. The late-night chats, the skinny dipping at Oriental Bay, the little memories. You’re missing all of that too.

And now those feelings of closeness and belonging have been replaced by them being awful to you. Of course that’s going to mess with your head a bit. Of course it’s going to hurt. That’s normal. Feel it. Have a cry. Chuck on We Live in Time if you need a good film to absolutely fold to.

Now, this Unc won’t pretend to know why you broke up, and he also won’t pretend it matters all that much here. What he will ask is this: what situations are you still putting yourself in where your ex gets to be awful to you?

Hear me out. I’m absolutely not saying you’re at fault for your ex’s behaviour. Not even a little bit. But if you keep finding yourself texting them, asking mutual friends what they’ve said about you, or ending up at parties watching them flirt with someone else, then I’m going to gently suggest you take a breather from those behaviours.

Because you can’t control other people. No point trying. What you can control is how much access they still have to you. You can distance yourself. You can mute or block them on social media—which, by the way, is completely fine. It does not have to be a big dramatic thing. You can stop asking after them. You can focus on yourself instead of keeping one eye on what they’re doing.

And, honestly, you’ve got a pretty clear out here: no matter how good the relationship was when you were together, them treating you badly now is its own kind of answer. A nasty one, sure, but a useful one. They’re showing you something important.

When you’re in a relationship with someone, you’ve got every reason to put your best foot forward. Most people do. But no one can keep up a version of themselves forever if it isn’t genuine. Eventually the mask slips. And from what you’ve written, it sounds like your ex’s mask is slipping now. Take that seriously. Take it at face value.

Don’t keep pinning all your thinking on the version of them who was sweet, kind, and lovely while they were still getting something from being with you. Look at what’s in front of you now. They’re being awful. And personally, I wouldn’t keep someone in my life who treats me badly, no matter how lovely they once seemed or how much potential the relationship used to have.

So here’s the question I want you to sit with for a bit: do you really want to stay hung up on someone who was only kind to you while they had something to gain?

Because that’s what this behaviour suggests. Kind when you were together, awful once you weren’t. That says plenty.

And if you’re still tangled up in the same social circles, it might be time to make things a bit easier on yourself. Turn the group chat notifications off for a couple of months. Tell your friends you need a bit of space to move on. And maybe ask yourself: why are mutual friends letting this slide? Is this behaviour happening out in the open, or quietly, where it’s easier for people to ignore?

Those questions might not just give you closure about your ex, but about the wider circle around them too. Sometimes a breakup shows you more than one relationship you need to rethink. It can be a good chance to reflect on your friendships as well, and on who actually deserves your energy.

At the start of the year I got asked how you know whether a friendship is good and healthy. And what I said then, in many more words, was this: pay attention to whether people are curious about you, whether they ask questions, and how you feel after spending time with them. I want you to do that over the next few weeks. Work out who leaves you feeling steadier, lighter, more like yourself. Those are your people. Put your energy there, not into a shitty ex.

This advice probably won’t have you get over them overnight. That’d be nice, but sadly that’s not how any of this works. What I do hope is that it helps you start seeing them more clearly, and maybe stops you romanticising someone who isn’t worth the thought.

Surround yourself with good people. Limit the ways your ex can reach you. Stop checking in on what they’re doing. And take their actions at face value.

At the end of the day, you deserve to be treated well by everyone in your life. Don’t keep making room for people who won’t do that.