Surviving in re(spite) of it all

Author: Ox - Ngāpuhi 

CW: Hate Crime, Addiction, Suicidal Ideation

respite

noun

re·​spite ˈre-spət  

1: a period of temporary delay 

2: an interval of rest or relief 

The following is a collection of poetry around my experience leading up to, and being in, respite earlier this year. I never thought I would end up in respite care. As my mum would say, that was where the ‘crazies’ went when ‘their life went to shit.’ Well, I couldn’t really say I wasn’t one, and that mine hadn’t, so maybe she was right in the end. 

These poems are shaped around Te Pō, that period of darkness during creation when Ranginui and Papatūānuku were still embracing one another. It felt fitting to parallel my experience with this time before coming into being, into Te Ao Mārama. 

1 – Te Pōnui

It started on a bench

Wooden

In memoriam to some loved one.

A boy beside me

Full of caffeine, nicotine, cannabis

Stomach empty

Heart empty

Lungs empty

I was meant to end things with him

But the sex is fun

Even if his heart is in the wrong place

Nausea heat sick and burnt white

Get it out of me

Get it out of me

It’s stuck in me

Fingers down gullet

Digging, digging, digging

It out of me

It’s still in there

Latched to the lining of my stomach

Adhered to the edges of my lungs

Bitter hot sweat and doom on the horizon

I want to blame him

Sweet talker

Soothsayer

A devil in disguise

But it is in me

And it is strong

And I am weak

And I did this to myself.

2 - Te Pōroa

I tried to go camping 3 days later

Packed and prepped as best I could

Driver picks the music

Unfair but sometimes he has good taste 

I don’t complain because I’m a good passenger princess

Tent pitched by friendly hosts

A tour of the property takes 10 square paces

The discovery of one dunny in the camper

And a 5 minute drive to the public loos

Sends shivers through my shitter

Daddy did raise a quitter but I believe in

Nature vs nurture

So I fill myself with nicotine, cannabis, alcohol

A party in my gut and everyone’s invited

Who cares about consequences when I’ve taught myself

This is the only way to cope? 

Heart, heart, heart

Pounding, pounding, pounding

God it’s in me again

I thought I drowned you

Smoked you out

Sent you running for the hills

Everyone is getting high and eating snags

While I have my fingers down my throat

Digging, digging, digging

It out of me. 

3 – Te Pōuriuri

They say panic knows when you’re scared

It punishes you for running to safety

By treating your retreat as its’ new home

I’m driven back home by an angel

In a Devilskin cap with tattooed hide

Faux comfort offered by four familiar walls

What do you think I do with my newfound freedom?

I spend two nights

Filling myself with nicotine, cannabis, alcohol

For fun, you see?

This is my normal

My way to cope with being punished for

Sitting on an empty stomach and full bench

Of feelings, disappointments, and fears of the future.

My friends return home and

The fear comes with them

Every footstep

Every door slam

Every indication of ‘other’ and ‘foreign’

In full force.

A flatmate drives me to afterhours

After his shower the next morning

He can’t

(and doesn’t want to)

Wait with me

My EKG and bloods come back normal

After hours in the bathroom trying to expel

It and Its contents

A phone call with dad who missed the emergency

“I’m not doing well, I’m having a panic attack right now.”

“It’s those vaccines you got.

I know you don’t want to hear that right now but

You know I’m not lying.”

4 – Te Pōkarekare 

Spiral, spiral, spiral

Toilet swirl

Flush with heat

Human meatsack

25th, 26th, 27th

The days blur in ED but the hours don’t 

6 to 6

3 to 11

And a final panicked breakdown that’s

Interrupted by a planned check-in from a friend

I can’t forget his face

As I spit and spew sentences to

A mental health line 

It’s easy to forget he already lost a best friend before. 

Watching baby sensory videos and 

Joking about Veggie Tales raptures while

Waiting for Mauri Ora to open

The receptionist recognizes my voice but

Pivots to concern when same-day counselling is mentioned

Escorted across the road so I’m not tempted to

Play Frogger poorly

A quiet room sitting by the main office

A hurried apology from someone scurrying through the shortcut

‘Sorry’

‘I was never here’

And even a cheerful hello from my regular nurse

I wonder if she read the notes from the counsellor

Where I said I wanted to provoke a skinhead

To murder me like the fag I am. 

5 – Te Pō tē kitea

Alone in ED again

Apart from that whispering panic settled inside me

Called in late by kaumātua with sympathetic eyes

Karakia recited before they hand me the mic

My voice is fraught with hiccups and sobs as I break upon the rocks

Smashed to pieces beneath their watchful gaze

Back in the waiting room again

Listening to Mac DeMarco’s ‘Onion Man’ on repeat for 2 hours

Probably fucked my Spotify Wrapped

The tattooed angel returns with my overnight bag

And two cheerful nurses pack it in their trunk

Being in the backseat reminds me of home

Clock strikes midnight

Pulling into a long driveway

Stepping into a modern house

High ceilings

Wide open spaces

My new home for now

Greeted by two cuzzies 

And a warm plate of aroha

It’s the first meal I manage to keep down in days.

6 – Te Pō tangotango

12:02pm

I’m visited by a clinician

He tells me I need to ‘focus on me’ and ‘ask for help’

As he signs off a script for more medication 

“If you hold it under your tongue, it’ll take effect much quicker.”

4:07pm

I dissolve the lorazepam as recommended

Bitterness soaking into my saliva

A hot flush runs through me

And my heart pounds faster

Ice cubes on the neck while pacing the hallway

Finally curling up in a chair and staring blankly

Until I’m called for group dinner at 

6:02pm

My thoughts spiral

What’s the point

I’m not good at anything

I take up too much space

“I don’t feel good enough for that right now.”

No opinion is given but

I’m scared I’ll be stuck in the dark forever. 

7 – Te Pō whāwhā 

7:05am

Life sucks

I don’t wanna be here

Nobody really likes me 

I’m wasting space here

People are in worse shape that me

I just want to sleep. 

9:01am

Watching Galaxy Quest and eating buttered toast

10:24am

The clinician is here again

I’m part of a less than 1% population with paradoxical effects to benzos 

Guess I should feel special

He extends my stay over the weekend

And says I’m doing amazing. 

1:20pm

Watched Shrek while eating leftover dinner

1:55pm

I’m working on a puzzle when a new guest arrives

(we’re not allowed to say ‘patients’)

Her face and arms covered in bruises

Shouts muffled by my headphones

She’s swept into a bedroom before I can reply

“She’s far worse than they let on over the phone.”

The house is frantic with energy now

I can feel it buzzing in my brain

Dirty and mean

Something Bad happened

I need to get away from It 

8 – Te Pō namunamu ki taiao

Papatūānuku cradles me in her arms

Grass blades pricking my elbows and calves

Exposed skin rubbing in the dirt

Tamanuiterā gazes down lovingly at us both

Papa scolds me even as warmth seeps into me

“Your actions lead you here and you must face consequences.

But that does not mean you have to do so alone.”

The weight of judgement is borne gladly

Adrift in the weeds and daisies 

I am finally accepted as her seedling

Now is a time of rest. 

9 – Te Pō tahuri atu 

1pm

I decided to go out for a walk

I have to ask permission first and tell them what time I’ll be back

It’s like being a kid again

1:06pm

Feet numb

Heat rising

Sweat dripping

I can’t do this

I want to turn back

1:32pm

I sit on a wooden bench alone

Tāwhirimātea caresses my cheeks

Blowing the sweaty brine from my brow 

Feels weird to be an adult at a playground

Like I’m trying to turn back time

But I want to go on the swings

Feel the wind rush past my ears

As I leap into the sky and embrace Ranginui

10:53pm

Can’t sleep

Keep tossing and turning 

Flashback after flashback

Doors slamming

Holes punched in the wall

Shrill voices in a pink 2000’s Toyota Vitz

“I’ll give you something to cry about.” 

10 – Te Pō tahuri mai ki taiao

3:01pm

I’m nervous

We haven’t spoken in 6 years but

The clinicians suggested I talk to people who knew me when I was younger

She was the first person I thought to call

The only friend left who’s known me for so long

The only one left that I didn’t burn bridges with

What if we’re too different now?

4:32pm 

Cameras flick on

Mouths move a million miles a minute

Everything from the Drake and Kendrick beef

And drinking at New Brighton Beach at midnight on my 20^th birthday 

To sad poetry we wrote on the bus

And friends we’ve lost along the way 

Two spirits maturing at the same rate

Across time and space

It’s like we never left

10:32pm

We’re interrupted by a nurse telling me I have to take my night meds

Something about changeover and keeping routine 

I can’t believe how late it is

And there’s still so much more to say

“Wanna say how grateful I am bout our very long catch-up call, it really has helped me feel better moving forward!!”

“Same here, it’s great to be back in touch with ya, homie.” 

5:55am

I wake to the glimmer of dawn

Stomach full

Heart full

Lungs full

There is life in me yet.