Satire: Healthy as a Horse: Three Ideas That Could Keep You That Way

Sally Stirrup

It’s that time of year again where the rain clouds hang heavy in the sky, threatening to unleash precipitation on all humble umbrella-fighting, coat-forgetting, electronics-protecting students. But the late waterlogged arrival to class is not the worst of it, oh no! For there is something far more sinister the humble pedestrian fears… a slippage, and not of the nipple variety. As the saying goes, you can lead a horse to water, but you can’t stop it from slipping over in said water.

In fact, campus is covered in untrustworthy surfaces that are bound to send you hurtling down steps, skidding across walkways, and sliding through buildings at the slightest drizzle of rain. Should the heavens fully open up you will be doomed with bruised buttocks, grazed knees, and plastered elbows galore. 

As meticulous research by Salient reveals, 45% of story poll responders have slipped over on campus this year alone. Hotspots include the Hub, VUWSA and OGB stairs, as well as the entrance to Hugh Mackenzie and the recreation centre netball court. While many students cited stairs, tiles, and even manholes as issues, one particularly talented individual flagged the carpet on the sixth floor of the library, admitting “This may be a me problem.” Others described feeling “like a looney tunes character trying to stay off the ground,” and a tendency to “keep getting stuck in doors” across campus. Not what we asked, but okay. Solace can be found in the authentic and genuine response of one person, who “tripped and accidentally read every copy of Salient + did the crossword.” Phew! It’s not all bad, folks. Yet some students do recount falling “face down” and “eating shit.” One even credited a concussion to a slip on Mount Street. Another student grieves that they “stopped going to class” after a fall down the Hub stairs, so great can the humiliation be. 

But what can be done to address this perilous accident rate? One proactive equine ponders the following campus solutions that might yet prevent her an untimely trip to the glue factory.

1. Back to Building Blocks

If we tore up all the flooring and replaced it with enlarged Lego™ base plates, and equipped students and staff with tailor-made befitting Lego™ shoes, there would be no viable reason why anyone should slip over on campus ever again. We would be maximising our clutch power with thousands of micro plastic platelets for maximum efficiency. Granted, our gait might become somewhat mechanical as we lift and tread at a precisely 90° angle with every step, but falls would become a thing of the past, just like horse meatballs.

2. Shed our shoes

It’s time to embrace barefoot culture and connect with the earth. Employ the tactile traction of our natural grippers and spread your toes between classes. No longer will slippery soles and ill-suited footwear be your downfall in these hallowed halls, instead you can suction your bare feet to the wet ground and squelch on down to the library. Albeit, I foresee a possibly problematic future rife with trench foot, fungus, warts, and other hoof related diseases. But think about how much you’ll save at the farrier!

3. Go Big or Go Home

If we’re going to be slipping and sliding around all winter, we may as well commit to the bit (I prefer a snaffle) and turn campus into one giant slip’n’slide. Preliminary costs will include covering the hallways with tarpaulin, replacing all existing stairs with water slides, and installing detergent dispensers on every corner. While risk of injury won’t exactly be mitigated, this author estimates that attendance will increase imminently for all lectures, at least until the novelty wears off.

You’ll have to wait patiently while I pitch these stellar ideas to the university and they deliberate the yay or neigh. In the meantime, take care, and if you fall, remember to pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and get back in the saddle.