Opinion: Te Herenga Waka’s Next Top Vice Chancellor

Nic Smith’s announcement of resignation last week was met with lukewarm sadness from our university community. But never fear! In this opinion piece, the Salient team throws our hats in the ring to determine who we believe (with all of our journalistic integrity) should be Te Herenga Waka’s Next Top Vice Chancellor. 

Ashley Bloomfield

Rumor on the street has it that this former Director-General of Health of New Zealand almost got the Auckland Vice Chancellor position, but missed out to… Nic Smith. That’s okay Ashley, if at first you don't succeed just try again: this time for the Te Herenga Waka Vice Chancellor role. Sure, maybe it’s a pay cut… but is it really a ‘cut’ if you didn’t get the role to begin with? 

Jackie Anderson 

What would be a better measure of success than a previous VUWSA-Advocate, Head of Hall and now General Counsel at Legal Services. We don’t really know what General Council means, but we do know that Jackie has a wall of her favorite pets of co-workers in her office, and we really think that’s the energy that our next Vice Chancellor needs to bring. 

Ethan Rogacion

If Te Herenga Waka doesn't want to fork out the money to hire an actual lawyer, why not a student? Ethan Rogacion—Salient alumni, current VUWSA Academic VP (and Gerry Brownlee has his phone number!)—would be a great litigious pick for our next top spot. We would have recommended VUWSA President Aidan Donoghue to the role, but he’s too union focused for the spot. Ethan would bring the perfect mix of litigation, and policy. Imagine this: your Vice Chancellor in your Law Lecturer. What a world I personally want to live in. 

Clarke Gayford

Listen, Clarke, I know someone just sold The Guardian a story about you going to Australia, and I just want to clarify: we would never sell you out. If we saw you in the pub at 2am we would simply want a photograph to hang on our office wall, not to spill your secrets. It’d be a great opportunity to fix Te Herenga Waka, become as famous as your wife, and then move to Australia… just bring us with you. Please. 

Dr Logan Bannister 

Logan, you’re almost there. Appointed Deputy Vice-Chancellor of Students in October 2023, you’ve got enough experience (we think)—and you’ve got students in your role so your focus should, in theory, be on helping them out. But the real reason you’re on this list, and I’m speaking directly to you Logan, is because in 2024 you absolutely thrashed the Salient team at croquet and looked fantastic doing it in your tracksuit set. Anyone who can beat a bunch of students while looking that good should immediately get the Top Dog position, no interview required. 

Matthew Tucker’s Motorbike

It’s common knowledge around VUWSA that you can take the Matthew Tucker out of VUWSA, but you cannot take the motorbike out of Matthew Tucker. Matt’s been around Te Herenga Waka for pretty much longer than anyone else on this list, and he’s the guy who arranges O-Week. Imagine that: O-Week forever under Matthew Tucker's dictatorship. However, we know he’d never want the role himself. Instead, one of his motorbikes should do it. After all, they’re loud, abrasive, and Boomers hate them. What else could you want in a VC? 

Tamatha Paul

Tam, you didn’t think you’d get off this list, did you? Ex-VUWSA President, O-Week DJ and politician Tamatha Paul would be a great choice for our next Vice Chancellor. She’s already done what no other Vice Chancellor (as far as Salient knows) has done: attend O-Week and poke her head into the safe room. If your Vice Chancellor has seen you vomiting, well, that just proves their dedication to student engagement. 

Cloned Jim Carry

He may not be the same Jim Carry that we know and love, but he does seem very well spoken and down for a good time. We’re not entirely sure which version of him we would get as our next Vice Chancellor… Perhaps we could get a third, academic Jim Carry? The jury is out, but we are very curious as to how it would go. That’s why he made our list. We’re just waiting on his Marketing Manager to give us his booking details. 

Art and Matilda Green

If you can have co-editors of Salient, why can’t you have co-Vice Chancellors of Victoria University? If you’re too young to know the lore about these two, they are the people who got me into reality TV many moons ago. The Original Bachelor NZ couple, they’ve well and truly shown that you can find love on Reality TV. If they could prove that then I’m sure they can prove this: you don’t need experience to be the Best Vice Chancellor: just a positive attitude and the willingness to fall off a horse. 

David Seymour 

This, I admit, is my most controversial take… but hear me out. David once said he would give up politics for love, but that didn’t work. By appointing him to Vice Chancellor at Te Herenga Waka we can get him to give up politics for something he would arguably be more interested in… students. He can make a new Snapchat and do some dropins at the alcohol-free floors of our halls of residence.