C.O.W: Experimenting & Emerging with Nipple Play

Wellington is the melting pot of emerging bands & musicians, with notable talents such as the sounds of JQMIE, Mia-Nina, and Half/Angel. However, none have made waves quite like C.O.W., the hottest new Kelburn band. As of publishing, they have released their latest and only single, “Thank You Salient! (Feels Good On The Clit, Mate)”, alongside a full length music video. This magazine was given an exclusive interview with the elusive yet talented bandmembers—Edie Moore (19), Paige McOnie (19), Phoenix Columbick (20), and Jake Ellis (20). I sat 1-on-1 with them to get the full scoop.

TICKNER: It’s lovely to meet you. Firstly, what does C.O.W. stand for?

MOORE: Legally, I don’t think you can ask us that … But it means “Clit of the Week.” Each week we decide who has the best clit.

TICKNER: When did you first meet? What were your first impressions of one another?

McONIE: Edie, Phoenix and I met during high school, then we met Jake in halls. We were hiding from an RA after visiting hours, and hid together in a closet. As for first impressions—

COLUMBICK/MOORE/ELLIS: (in unison) I thought Paige hated me.

McONIE: —I thought Edie was smokin’ hot.

TICKNER: Where can people find you on a typical day on campus?

ELLIS: I know it isn't the question, but my biggest fear is heights.

TICKNER: Who are your biggest musical inspirations?

COLUMBICK: We look up to Lea Michelle, KPop Demon Hunters, and Orpheus (from Greece).

TICKNER: Who are your target audience?

ELLIS: People who are enrolled to vote, those who are anti-AI, and all the dirty, sticky, saucy FREAKS out there.

TICKNER: Where did your obsessions with nipple play come from?

COLUMBICK: Well, early last year we were all standing out in the Newtown park one night shirtless, moonlight reflecting off our areolas. We all woke up in the dirt the next morning, feeling a divine presence over us. From then on we knew we were preachers. Prophets. Clairvoyants. We were given the task of spreading the gospel of nipple play.

TICKNER: What does your songwriting process look like?

MOORE:  We sit down on the floor of my flat, drink a couple Smirnoff Ice’s, and scan the most recent pages of Oh Yes!, and Oh No! in that week’s Salient. Then, we open Rhyme.com and see what alliteration we can pair with the word “prostate.”

TICKNER: Can you please describe to me, in great detail, how you got scouted by Salient magazine?

McONIE: Put yourself in my shoes; we were all drunk, giggling furiously, and had just written a song about Salient’s latest Oh Yes! I decided at that moment to furiously type out a message to Salient’s Editor-in-Chief, Phoebe, to request to be Salient’s band for 2026. Hungover in the morning, I took the bus to uni to discover that she’d written back! She thought we were amazing, and would give us a bit of koha to perform at a Salient staff party. While she forgot to pay us the koha (and are too nervous to ask about it this late in the year), the Salient social media manager—who is a total weirdo by the way—scouted us, and offered to help produce a music video and recording!

TICKNER: Where is the largest venue you have played?

MOORE: (shifting uncomfortably) Um. The Salient office. Next to the kitchenette.

TICKNER: While recording in the studio, what are your biggest challenges?

COLUMBICK: Probably figuring out how to open Ableton, the recording software. We were learning from scratch. And scratching each other. We all have scabies. It's like a massage train but back-scratching.

TICKNER: Do you have any upcoming songs you are working on?

ELLIS: We have a song about the Hunter Lounge bacon butty, one about having sex on the 83 bus to Lower Hutt, and our next single called “The Ballad of the Hunky Uncle.”

TICKNER: When is your next live show?

ELLIS: Friday, October 2nd, during the Salient Pub Quiz! October 2nd is also my sister's 18th birthday. Happy birthday Lilah! Please don’t come to the Salient quiz.

TICKNER: What was the best moment filming your MV? What was the worst?

McONIE: The worst was filming getting delayed for 6 months because our band manager had to go get treated for gonorrhea. The best was getting to hang out with my friends for 6 months because our band manager got gonorrhea.

TICKNER: Are there any funny moments that took place during filming?

McONIE: My favourite was holding a fake protest sign saying “NIPPLES PLEASE” outside Pipitea campus while law students gave us funny looks.

COLUMBICK: My favourite was when people honked their car horns while we were in the middle of filming a take in the garage. I think they were big fans!

TICKNER: How did you manage to find such a crusty-looking garage to film in?

MOORE: I pay $300 a week in Karori to be able to park there, Tickler. Put some respect on that garage’s name.

McONIE: And I pay $300 a week to call that place my home!

TICKLER: A scene in your MV depicts the four of you as peaceful nipple play protesters who are beaten to an inch of your life by counter-protesters. Do you expect anti-nipple play extremists to react negatively to their portrayal?

COLUMBICK: Yeah.

TICKNER: How do you respond to the polycule allegations that have recently surfaced?

ALL: (in unison) Our relationship is not sexual in nature. Purely physical.

TICKNER: How has your newfound fame impacted you?

COLUMBICK: It’s amazing. Our musical talent and our success is fueled by how many people believe in us. We’re like fairies; gay, lightweight, and covered in glitter.

TICKNER: Do you believe that you can, in fact, find the clit?

MOORE: (firmly) Yes.

TICKNER: Last question: would you consider C.O.W. as an “industry plant” by Salient Magazine?

At this point, C.O.W. was only giving me blank stares. Then, simultaneously, the four of them pulled up their shirts and flashed me, then filed out of the room single-file in confusion. Left dazed and confused, I could not help but admire C.O.W.’s tenacity, and cannot wait for their next performance.

If you would like to see more of C.O.W., you can find their music video posted to the Salient Instagram. C.O.W. will also be performing as the special guest of the Salient End of Year Pub Quiz on October 2nd, where they’ll also be debuting a new song. For business enquiries, please contact Salient magazine’s Social Media Manager, as C.O.W. is keen to perform for birthday parties.