Words by Rose Merlini (any/all)
Just a few more days until the world comes together, sets aside their disagreements, and participates in some friendly rivalry. Unfortunately, it’s not all fun and games, as a significant portion of the global population is excluded from competing. I’d like to take a moment to raise awareness and count down the most promising banned athletes. And who knows? Maybe 2028 will be their year.
9) Australian saltwater crocodile.
Despite the name, saltwater crocs can thrive in any water. Their endurance, throupled with fast-as-lightning agility and devastating brute strength, would allow this croc to dominate wrestling at the Games. Pinning a croc for one second, as required to win, simply would never happen to a crocodile. However, they’re controversial due to behavioural issues: they hunt humans for food (one of few animals to do so), and have the strongest bite force on the planet. This combo of characteristics does cross some lines regarding health and safety, but I believe accommodations can (and should) be made for our favourite scaly wrestler.
8) Giant Oceanic Manta Ray.
There’s perhaps no organism more beautiful than this spectacular ray. These not-so-delicate dancers are among the most energy-efficient swimmers thanks to their practised gliding dives and aerodynamic swim stroke. They excel in artistic swimming, effortlessly leaping out of the water, then diving deep, dancing the whole time. When judged on artful synchronisation with music, our winged warrior’s showcase exceptional creativity. Giant manta rays are among the most intelligent species, with a natural affinity for making friends and having symbiotic relationships, giving them wisdom beyond their years.
7) Grizzly bear.
These Bad Boys have it all: they can't be outfought, outswam, outclimbed or outran. Outcycled? Maybe, but I wouldn’t count on it in an Olympic triathlon. What’s that? You have a Weet-Bix Tryathlon shirt from when you were 10? Well this bear has a Weet-Bix tuxedo, tailored to suit running on all fours (or two). Grizzlies evolved to run fast enough to catch a fox, and swim quick enough to catch a salmon. However, as humans encroach on their habitats, grizzlies adapt by finding food in peoples houses, rummaging through garbage. With increasing assimilation into human life I don’t consider it too far-fetched for a grizzly to become a stellar cyclist, mastering the craft needed to crush the competition in the Olympic triathlon.
6) Colossal Squid.
When it comes to water polo, one must be willing to put their life on the line. It’s a brutal and fast-paced sport, but someone’s gotta do it. This is going to make me believe in God because the colossal squid is just built too perfectly for this sport. They are muscular, the bulkiest of any squid, and their eight long arms and two longer tentacles are excellent defenders. Their tentacles are lined with rotating hooks, often used to fight sperm whales, but it’s pretty obvious they’re designed for holding the ball in water polo without dropping it. All this, not to mention their powerful swimming stroke, makes for a water polo machine.
5) Jumping spider.
These little guys are curious critters. People often encounter jumping spiders in their home, staring up at them with eight beady eyes. They’re non-threatening—unless you’re playing badminton against them. It’s truly impressive the way the shuttlecock whips about so quickly at Olympic level. In order to keep up, one must have fast reaction times and agility. Jumping spiders master both, launching themselves at prey over 30 times their body length. Their eyesight is crisp and can catch movement in any corner of their wide range of vision, leaving no chance to be bested.
4) Baby Yoda.
A real all rounder. A jack of all trades, master of one. And that one is golf. Anybody who’s witnessed his drive can attest to the fact that the kid has some serious skill. But that isn’t even what makes him a force to be reckoned with. What sets him apart is his telekinesis powers that can be used at will. A powerful drive will only get you so far in the Olympics—the ability to levitate the ball carefully into the hole is what secures gold medals. In Tokyo, 2021, we saw kiwi golfer Lydia Ko attempt this trick, but with limited success.
3) Box Jellyfish.
They didn’t earn their name for nothing. These lightweight boxing champions, as square as they are deadly, are masters of energy conservation and the fastest of any j-fish. With acute 360-degree vision, no sneaky jabs from behind will catch them off guard. The real kicker though, is that these slimy stingers don’t have brains, therefore can’t register pain like we do. Box jellyfish are able to take beatings from the most talented one-twoers and still endure the fight. No box jellyfish has ever been KO’d, and experts doubt it’s even possible, leaving their opponent only one hope: outscoring them.
2) Horsie.
It really is a shame that horses can’t compete in equestrian; they honestly would be so good at it. Equestrian is judged based on technique and harmony as the contestant moves through obstacle courses in closed circuits and cross country. Horses are perfect for this, leaping and kicking with strength and grace —physical fitness was never an issue. They have excellent memories, fast reaction times and super impressive stamina, to learn complex routines and adapt to any unexpected challenges throughout these cross country treks. Prancing high, galloping far, and neighing proud, it’s almost like this event was made for the noble horse.
1) Cat.
Who doesn’t love these furry felines? Beyond being lovable friends with vibrant personalities, they possess a hidden talent. Breakdancing debuts in the Olympic Games in Paris 2024, and cats are naturals. If you’ve never seen the way a cat moves about on the ground, you can’t possibly understand the complex and artistic motions that they demonstrate. Even if you have seen it, you still may not fully comprehend it. From ears to tail, their whole body moves in magical ways. A popular technique in breakdancing is the freeze, where a contestant halts all movement in a peculiar position. The house cat has mastered this technique, redefining the word peculiar with every element of their pose, from their iconic facial expressions to their wild and wacky spinal contortions. There is no question that cats rule the breakdancing world.
Honourable Mentions
Big whale
The largest creature on Earth would dominate weightlifting if the tournament wasn’t rigged. Unfortunately, the method of measuring strength unfairly favours non-aquatic contestants with biceps, making a good performance unattainable for the blue whale.
Orcas
They’d be the perfect candidate for rugby sevens given their strategy, teamwork, and fair play, except they show no interest in competing in the Olympics. As a courtesy, I left them off the list. An event with so many rules and regulations would distress an orca, leading to a possible accident. No orca has ever killed a person in the wild, but multiple have killed people in captivity.
Sailfish
For fencing. They have swords for noses.