The Sex Parties of Queen Dove

By Georgia Wearing

How did you get into hosting sex parties?

I’ve always identified as kinky, as a teenager I scoured every corner of the internet thirsty for information on kink and more open sexual lifestyles. Being a part of the Wellington Scene came naturally then, and my decision to start hosting parties with my partner came from a desire to create the kind of parties we enjoyed and weren’t finding elsewhere – house parties with great music and lights and dancing, where you could get up to the stuff of your wildest dreams upstairs and explore being yourself in an environment that is welcoming to all, while also prioritising consent and safety.

When I originally joined the scene there was a greater divide between kink and swinging than there is now – swinger events were loud, rambunctious parties with lots of alcohol and unwanted boundary pushing – kink events by comparison seemed far less social, more cold and clinical with clear rules and boundaries. Over time, and particularly since Covid, the divide between these events has blurred and this was something we wanted to continue with our events – to host parties that were fun and felt like parties but adhered to kink conceptions of consent and safety. 

I personally also wanted to present parties hosted primarily by a young woman (myself) as I know from having a background in psychology that when there are issues, victims are more likely to feel comfortable reporting to female figures within the scene rather than middle-aged men (which isn’t to say they’re all bad - I’m very close to some of them!).

Consent is a huge part of kink. Is there anything you do/discuss when hosting to ensure it's clear and utilized during play? 

We have an extensive list of rules published on our event page detailing our attitudes towards consent and prioritising the safety of event attendees. These sentiments are repeated in the listing of every event we post as well as during a welcome speech at the beginning of every party - with every party we host this speech gets a little longer to encompass new things we’ve learned! 

What's a common misconception of the kink community? 

People still think it's a form of abuse. I was in an abusive relationship, I know what that feels like, to have your control taken away from you, and the relationship that I’m in now could not be more different. I can live out my wildest fantasies and desires without harm or judgement from my partner. It is, as a survivor of domestic violence and sexual assault, empowering to know that when I want to end things it ends, when I say “stop” it stops.

How do you manage each party?

We have a time that doors open and close, and after they close we gather everyone together for the welcome speech. Often, a planned scene will take place, this can help to break the ice and allows guests to sit back and watch and have something to do or engage with as opposed to just throwing back drinks to get into the mood. It's just like an icebreaker, but kinkier!

We usually have a few voluntary dungeon monitors who help us to keep an eye out and deal with any problems that may occur. This makes sure as a host I’m not running around trying to manage every single room and potentially missing something. How long our parties go for depends on the vibe, we’ve had parties end at midnight and others go on until the sun comes up. 

What are your health and safety precautions?

We buy condoms and lube in bulk, including latex free options. We expect people to use them unless they are fluid bonded to someone (a pre-planned consensual agreement to engage in unprotected sex) and they are expected to put condoms on any toys that are used. My partner and I do engage in some more extreme forms of kink, and we welcome our guests that would like the opportunity to engage in these kinks too, and provide appropriate spaces and supplies for them. We are happy to provide spaces for all kinds of play as long as the individuals engaging in it are managing their own play and cleaning up after themselves.

How can students hosting their own parties set up an environment that promotes both intimacy and consent? 

Often with house parties you show up and there's no explicit rules or oversight and very little structure, there's no one person you can go to in order to report bad behaviour. Sex party hosts ensure that guests have been vetted and each individually vouched for - this helps to keep predators and problematic characters from being able to just show up. We also have the benefit of having ticketed events with attendees paying entry, (this could be as low as $5) but ensures that everyone's details are recorded in case of anything going wrong. There is also a careful eye kept on alcohol consumption and anyone appearing to be too intoxicated is advised to sober up or sent home. 

How do you feel about public/more commercial kink events versus private house parties? 

Public events are beneficial because they are great first introductions for couples and interested individuals into kink culture. There's also a big intersection between the queer and kink community so it's always great to have these large commercial events for similar people to gather and connect. That being said, there's a lot of things you can only do at private events like sex parties, socials, munches and the early evening networking scenes. There is also greater security and safety in attending private events where you know everyone has been vetted and approved to attend.

Are you seeing any trends in young people coming into the community for the first time?

One particularly concerning trend being seen is that of an increasingly blase attitude towards things like face slapping, choking, and hair pulling - this most likely stems from the normalisation of these behaviours in media and porn, however, done incorrectly these actions can cause serious harm and are often considered to be more advanced kinks. It’s interesting because the same people who will deem a flogger or paddle as ‘too kinky’ (which are instruments often considered to be on the lighter end of the impact spectrum) will then turn around and slap their partner across the face because they’ve seen it in porn and think that its “normal”.

Herein lies the challenge though, these people who are new to the kink community won’t know this. They won’t know to seek out consent and education workshops, and yet they will seek out parties. This is something my partner and I have taken advantage of at parties we have previously attended as well as those we host - we are almost always happy to welcome others to watch and comment during our scenes, even to ask questions that we can try to answer. This isn’t to suggest we know everything, but merely an acknowledgement that we know more than that newbie, and as dedicated kinksters who love our community, taking a moment to discuss a technique or new toy is something we can always find time for. 

I think a lot of newcomers also see kink as a checklist instead of a series of opportunities to explore. They should instead think about how can we make this kind of play (bondage, rope, impact, sensation play, etc) into a scene or a whole experience. The kink act is just an action, it’s the situation, intimacy and connection that takes place around it that truly creates an experience. 

What do you think about Fetlife as a platform for organising these events?

Like any form of social media you do have people who try and post for validation, and people who want attention on the platform will get it, and unfortunately some of that attention will be bad. It does help to make your boundaries and to include how you use Fetlife in your bio, you will get people who ignore those instructions, but more often than not other users will respect your boundaries if you make them clear. 

In my opinion, Fetlife is a valuable networking platform and a great site to host events. As a host I can go on to the platform and see evidence of play being done safely, healthy online engagement, or that a potential party attendee has been going to or is booked to attend upcoming workshops, through these features along with vouches or vetting, I know that they’ll probably make a good and trustworthy guest at my event. 

Bio:

Queen Dove is a 2nd year Master of Criminology student who lives in Poneke with her partner, their children and cat. She doesn’t have any free time but if she did she would be playing music or doing bad art.