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The Piss Take: Kelburn’s Gender Neutral Toilets, Ranked by Actual Real Life Transgender

Piss taken by Flynn (he/they)

All right folx, it’s business time. Time to do your business. But where? Maybe you’re a gender freak of some kind and even at Te Herenga Waka you fear queerphobia (Does that make you queerphobiaphobic?), or perhaps you want to be a loo connoisseur like me, eager to step bravely into a new world of linoleum. 

Either way, you don’t have a goddamn clue which toilets will safely house you in your most vulnerable moments, and which will betray you. You, woeful simpleton, are in need of informing on where is best to lay your arse.  Well, fear Kelburn’s ambiguously signposted loos no more. It is I, your beloved local transsexual  terror, here to guide you down these hallowed halls to safety.

All in all, Vic's Kelburn campus boasts 65(?) gender neutral toilets that one can supposedly use. In this article, I will attempt to give you my best recommendations and steer you clear of the worst options. 

This article comes with a caveat: ANY LACKLUSTRE LOOS ARE NOT THE CLEANERS’ FAULT. You are all lovely people, thank you for doing the job you do.

Since 65 is a crap load of toilets,  I’ll be hitting you today with some highlights and hot takes. Maybe Salient will allow me the pleasure of reviewing more esoteric and niche shitters down the line. But my wisdom is so deep and my knowledge so vast, that I fear I would consume this entire publication with my ramblings if I were fully let loose among these pages. 

Without further ado, I welcome you to Piss with Flynn

A Hubboard Under the Stairs

Let’s talk about the Hub’s garish green toilets, on the ground floor under the stairs. First of all, the colour scheme reminds me of the green room at Expressions in Upper Hutt, where I spent fleeting moments in my childhood manoeuvring around other kids in leotards and tutus. But other than throwing me back to Ballet trauma, these loos are reliable. 

Here you can almost guarantee a pot to piss in, but it comes at a cost. Personally, my sensory issues don’t do too well with being inches away from buzzing overhead fluorescents, and it’s not as though these toilets have the best, well, ventilation. Their popularity means that there are often lil bits of loo roll strewn about on the puddly floor, and it’s a hot spot for ultra specific psych studies to scout for a testing pool. If you like your ‘tism to be aggravated and are in need of a $20 New World gift card, this is your spot I guess. It’s not mine. You’ll catch me in here when I’m a bit desperate and lacking self respect (often). 

Final score: 6/10, mid but reliable. 

A Dingy Dungeon

My next victim is the level 2 library accessible toilet. If you can’t tell from the title, I hate this one. It’s the only one on this floor of the Hub that I can use, and it’s stressful! Supposedly it’s accessible, but I wouldn’t know. The door is weird and heavy, and I’m sure it fits most wheelchairs, but it’s frankly a depressing vibe. My first flat had

a dungeon out back, and this place gives me flashbacks. The door also has a gap in it, albeit it’s in a place that doesn’t give anyone a good angle on the ceramic throne itself. If you want to get stressed about taking up a toilet that someone else is probably waiting for, this one’s for you. It’s not for me. 

Final rating: 4/10. 

A Fan Favourite

Unpopular opinion: the toilets by Louis’ on the ground floor of the Hub are OVERRATED. Sure, they’re lacking that Minecraft creeper green decor that the ones under the stairs relish in, but they're plentiful. But, if you’re in struggle city trying to get your business done and the LIGHT TURNS OFF, don’t come crying to me! Whoever thought of motion-sensing lights in a toilet has never experienced bowel problems. To make matters worse, the first toilet across from the entrance door has a significant gap in it which could potentially give some nosy bugger a peek. The graffiti is entertaining, though. If you’re a budding shithouse poet, this one’s for you. It’s for me when I want to look at my butt in a full length mirror. 

Final rating: 7/10, a solid go-to, but has some drawbacks. 

A Generous Gem

Only real ones go to Murphy level 3 to poop. I found this toilet when I was taking a wee break during my exams last year. It came in clutch. It’s a little small, but with two stalls to pick from I can’t complain. It’s quiet, generally clean, and private. I have no complaints! The signage, which is just a toilet silhouette, is slightly absurd. Like, do you have something to prove? After a lifetime of seeing little stick figures in pants or skirts it feels odd to have a toilet pictured so unambiguously on a sign. I suppose you can’t put anything else on there. 

Final rating: 8/10, loses points only for being a bit small. It’s not the most accessible. 

Thank you for coming with me mentally, emotionally, and gastrically on this journey. I sincerely hope I’ve saved you and your fruity bum some time. 


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