Sex Myths and What I Wish I Knew at 18 (Now That I'm 30)

By Magenta Kaos (they/he) Ngāti Pikiao, Ngāti Whare, Tūhoe

“Sex Is Only Sex If There's Penetration”

Sex education has long been lacking, often reducing sex to a simple equation: P + V = S (penis plus vagina equals sex) or P + A = S (penis plus anus equals sex). Many of us instinctively equate sex with penetration, shaped by romanticised movie scenes or exaggerated portrayals in porn. But in reality, sex takes many forms that are just as valid, as long as all parties involved are consenting and enjoying themselves.

We often use phrases like “first, second, and third base,” as if they are stepping stones leading to an ultimate goal. But sex isn't a linear journey toward a “home run.” Many people engage in sexual activities that never involve penetration, yet those experiences are still entirely valid expressions of intimacy and pleasure.

“Sex Should Be Consistent and Measured in Frequency”

A common misconception is that a “healthy” sex life means having sex a certain number of times per week. But sexual desire isn’t static, it fluctuates for various reasons, including stress, emotional well-being, and medical conditions. This can be amplified for neurodivergent people or those with health-related challenges that affect libido.

It’s completely normal to go through phases of heightened or reduced desire. The quality/health of your sex life should not be measured in times per week or number of orgasms. What you should do is consider the quality of your sexual experiences. Are they enjoyable? Do you feel connected with yourself and/or your partner(s)? If so, that’s what truly matters.

“Sex Has a Finish Line”

We often talk about orgasms as “finishing” or “climaxing,” reinforcing the idea that sex is a goal-oriented activity with a definitive endpoint. This mindset can create pressure and unnecessary stress, especially if one or more partners don’t orgasm. The reality is that sex is not a destination, it’s an experience that can end whenever you decide, with or without an orgasm.

Viewing sex as a structured narrative with an introduction, body, and conclusion can lead to feelings of inadequacy if things don’t go as expected. Sometimes, for medical, psychological, or other reasons, an orgasm just isn’t in the cards, and that’s okay. Sex is about pleasure, connection, and enjoyment, not checking off an arbitrary milestone.

“I'm a Bad Person for Forgetting About Sex or Getting Distracted”

When I was diagnosed with autism last year, I realised just how much neurodivergence had been affecting my sex life. My partner, who has ADHD, wasn’t disinterested in sex, sometimes they just forgot it had been a while. Since sex is ultimately a task, executive function challenges can make it difficult to remember, initiate, or follow through with intimacy.

This can be frustrating for partners who may feel forgotten or neglected, but understanding this dynamic can help. Scheduling or planning sexual interactions can make intimacy more accessible and enjoyable, removing the pressure of spontaneity.

Additionally, ADHD can make it hard to maintain focus during sex. Distractions, whether external (like a neighbor’s lawnmower) or internal (intrusive thoughts), can cause a sudden loss of libido or erection. This can make people feel like they’ve “lost the moment,” but that doesn’t have to mean game over. Taking a short breather and readjusting can help reclaim the mood. Personally, I find music helpful for maintaining focus, and role-playing can provide a structured way to stay engaged.

“Sex Feels Gross”

Let’s be real, sex can sometimes be a sensory nightmare. Bodily fluids, bright lights, distracting sounds, and sudden movements can all present challenges, especially for those with sensory sensitivities. These factors can be overwhelming, making it difficult to stay present and enjoy the experience.

If sensory issues affect your ability to enjoy sex, identifying and accommodating your “sensory icks” can help. For me, dim lighting is essential, and I always keep a fan on if it’s too hot. When I’m feeling particularly sensitive, using a blindfold can reduce visual overstimulation and help me focus on pleasurable sensations instead.

“The Takeaway”

At the end of the day, sex should be about enjoyment, comfort, and mutual satisfaction! There’s no one-size-fits-all definition of what sex should look like, and there’s no right or wrong way to experience it. The most important thing is open communication, expressing what you like, what feels good, and what doesn’t.

Forget the myths, let go of the expectations, and focus on what makes you feel good. After all, sex should be something you enjoy, not something you feel obligated to do.