Words by Anonymous News Writer
Athletes spend their days competing for gold at the Olympics and pushing their bodies to the absolute limits. What better way to end the day than by sitting down and relaxing on a cardboard bed? Not what you were expecting? Neither were the athletes at the 2021 Olympic Games. These stylish beds are back once more for the 2024 Olympics. A TikTok posted by the official Olympics account explained that the beds are ‘sustainable’ and the materials are ‘100% made in France’.
The beds first went viral in 2021, when American track and field runner Paul Chelimo wrote they were “aimed at avoiding intimacy among athletes”. He continued, stating, “Beds will be able to withstand the weight of a single person to avoid situations beyond sports… At this point, I will have to start practising how to sleep on the floor; because if my bed collapses and I have no training on sleeping on the floor, I’m done.” This was posted on the social media platform X (formerly known as Twitter).
However, this rumour was quickly debunked by athletes posting videos of themselves jumping on the beds, as well as by the official Olympics account. Interestingly, the New Zealand Olympics account seemed to poke fun at the rumour, recently posting a TikTok video spelling out “NZ <3 PARIS” with Olympic Village branded condom packets.
In solidarity with these athletes, and to save the cardboard beds, we decided to try out some sex positions that don't require a bed. After all, sharing is caring, and who wouldn't want to bang an Olympic athlete?
Sex on the Shelf (also known as The Bicycle)
Technique: The receiving partner perches on the edge of the bed. The giver enters while standing, and the receiver can wrap their legs around the giver. The giver can then wrap their hands around the receiver’s back for extra support.
Experience: “Actually quite awkward, difficult to generate momentum. Should not be about bouncing the person, more motion from the hips.”
The Butter Churner (also known as Squat Thruster)
Technique: The receiver lies on their back with their legs raised over their head. The giver squat over them and dips their penis or dildo in and out of them.
Experience: “This has occurred to me organically… If you find yourself here then roll with it. But I wouldn’t recommend it as a goal at the outset of your sexual adventure. Pick a partner with strong vertebrae 1-6.”
Wheelbarrow, Standing (also known as The Hoover Maneuver)
Technique: The giver enters their partner as they would in a standing, rear-entry position, but instead of staying upright, the giver lifts the receiver by the pelvis. The receiver then wraps their legs around the giver’s waist for support.
Experience: “Uncomfortable for both the giver and receiver, need big arm strength [fantastic for olympians]. Your wrists hurt quite a lot from all of the moment… if you have arthritis it would hurt a lot. Sex positions should not be creative. They should be practical.”
In conclusion, these are all bad times for someone who has not worked out since highschool gym class. However, I have faith that any and all Olympians will have a fantastic time with this because why wouldn’t they?