He’s Not the Love of Your Life, He’s Literally Just a Guy

Dedicated to my second mother, who is always here for me and filled with wisdom. Love you lots. 

By Te Urukeiha Tuhua (he/they/ia, Tūhoe) 

So, you’re in a situationship. Let me guess: he’s perfect for you in every way, but he doesn’t want to commit to a relationship. I hope that after reading this, you will free yourself—if not for your own sake, for the sake of your friends, who are tired of hearing his name come up in every conversation. 

We need to stop lying to ourselves. We are not content with being left on delivered for over 24 hours, all while watching as his profile picture appears under our story viewers. Being nonchalant is strictly out in 2025. You deserve someone who matches your energy. If you’ve found yourself stuck in a limbo of confusion and uncertainty, something needs to change, and it needs to change now. The longer you let it drag on for, the more it’s going to hurt. Besides, you’ve got more important shit to focus on—such as catching up on your skipped lectures—than on mulling over some guy’s low-effort messages. 

This is your guide to finding clarity and moving on. To begin, you need to know what it is you want and need. You shouldn’t compromise on what is important to you in a relationship. Next, you’re going to need to talk to him about how you’re feeling and let him know what you need from him. Communication, folks! I know everybody says this, but I do mean it. He’s not a mind reader. If you’re fairly certain that he does like you and is interested in you, but he’s not giving you enough, you’re going to have to tell him. 

Unfortunately it’s much easier to imagine this conversation in theory than it is to do it in practice. I find it helpful to use my trusty notes app to bullet-point key things I want to discuss with him. You never want to forget to bring up something that was important to you, so write it down now! It also helps to have a plan going in, and having talking points can help you figure out how to phrase things in advance. 

That’s the easy part. Actually sitting down and talking to him is a lot harder. It can feel vulnerable, especially if you’re not used to it, but it’s an important thing to practice doing as I guarantee you will have many similar and equally as difficult conversations in the future. Be direct and ask him to meet up in person to talk, perhaps over coffee or shisha. Don’t beat around the metaphorical bush, and get to the point. Tell him what’s working, what’s not working, and what you need from him moving forward. 

After this, it’s in his hands. Best case scenario, he will listen and take on board what you’ve said, and you can disregard the rest of this article and live out your happily-ever-after with your new boyfriend. But this doesn’t always happen. He might prefer to let things sit in a grey area, or establish a friends with benefits type thing (although I’ve noticed that the majority of friends with benefits tend to leave out the ‘friends’ side of the deal.) 

This is when you need to stand firm in what is important to you. Only you know what your boundaries are, and what you’re genuinely happy and comfortable with. If you know that you want a relationship, and he doesn’t want that, save yourself the heartbreak and end it then and there. The love of your life is not the guy who is on the fence about whether he wants to be with you or not. 

But it can be hard to let go of someone, even when you know it won’t work out. I’ve been there before, holding on to the little things he gives me and telling myself that it’s okay. The what if nags relentlessly. I know you’ve projected a lot of your romantic hopes and dreams onto him, and your imagination comes alive as you think about all your possible futures together. If you’re anything like me, you have a playlist just for him that you listen to on repeat. How can we learn to let go and move on? 

First, think about who he actually is, not who you want him to be. This can be a bit tricky, because it requires you to remove those rose-tinted glasses. Forget about your romantic fantasies for a moment and take a step back. Sometimes situationships can feel really intense, even without truly knowing the other person on a deeper level. What is he actually like, and what does he give you? 

If you’re not sure, ask your friends. Their thoughts are more objective than yours, and their advice is undervalued and worthy of taking on board. It may also help to write a list of all the things you dislike about him that you would change if you could. This list may include (but is not limited to): 

1. Dresses like a walking talking Hallenstein Brothers advertisement 

2. Leaves the toilet seat up after using the bathroom 

3. Has an annoying habit of chewing with his mouth open 

   
   

The sooner you realise that he’s literally just a guy, the easier it will be to let go of him. 

A very wise woman once told me, “When someone shows you who they are, believe them.” Your idealised perception of who he is tells you a lot more about yourself than it does about him. These ideas and dreams and hopes won’t die when you end things with him, because they live on inside you. They are part of what tells you who you are, and what you want and need from your future partner. If things aren’t working and nothing seems to be changing, let it go. 

You simply can’t change the way another person operates, and what he does is out of your control. Give yourself some space. Cry if you must. Have a cigarette and listen to Waiting Room by Phoebe Bridgers. Sometimes we’ve gotta let ourselves get a bit dramatic. 

But when you’re bored of that, listen to Alien Superstar by Beyoncé, because you are that bitch. Dance the night away diva. “I’m too classy for this world, forever I’m that girl…” You’ll continue onwards and upwards regardless of what happens. 

One day, you will find someone who treats you like a princess. The guy who is sporadic with communication and leaves you feeling confused is not the love of your life. But that’s just the way things go—and as my second mother in Pōneke told me recently, “Sometimes you kiss a couple of frogs and then you find your prince. Blow a kiss in the wind and enjoy the breeze.” 

(...Hit Him With Your Car)