ENTER THE CONCLAVE: Ryan's Guide to becoming the Pope

By Ryan Cleland (he/him)

So you want to be the Pope, eh?

Well, you’ve come to the right place! Your journey to the Papacy is a busy one — filled with centuries-old traditions, divine callings, whispered Latin prayers in candlelit chapels, political intrigue cloaked in sacred robes and a slow and reverent climb up the ecclesiastical ladder that will test your faith, patience, and humility at every turn.

First things first: to even be considered for the Papacy, you’ve got to tick a couple of non-negotiable boxes. You gotta be Catholic, and you must be a man. Sorry to all the hopefuls out there, but God (or at least the Church) is a bit of a stickler for the fine print. Now, once you've cleared that hurdle, it’s time to start your holy ascent up the papal corporate ladder – step one: become a priest.

Unfortunately when it comes to Catholicism it's not as easy as signing up to a few email newsletters and getting ordained. Sadly, you’ll need a university-level degree to get started; usually in Catholic Philosophy, but anything steeped in scripture, theology, or canon law will do the trick. Basically, if it involves Bibles, you're on the right track. Hell Heck, the current Pope even has a degree in Maths! (Yeah, suddenly that whole celibacy thing doesn’t seem quite so voluntary now, huh?). Oh yeah, you also need to be celibate. The last time the pope was regularly having sex (officially) was well over 800 years ago. Ticked all that? 

Well congratulations you can now become a priest, you get to run your own church! Hooray! But we are aiming for bigger things, and next on the ladder? Becoming a bishop. 

Now, that's a lot harder to do than being a priest. While, as of 2022 there were 407,000 priests, there are only around 5,300 Bishops and only 13 in New Zealand. Now on becoming one? You need to wait for the one in your area to die. Harsh, I know… but I suppose he is with God now. Anyways, upon the death of a bishop, you need to be on the super secret potential bishop list that is kept up to date in case a death or retirement ever happens. To get on that list you need to be at least 35, have been “priesting” for at least 5 years and have a PHD in theology (ugh more schoolwork). Assuming that you did that and are on the list, the list is sent to a guy called the Apostolic Nuncio, there is one for each country (Ours is a Hungarian by the name of Gábor Pintér!). He picks a few, does some research and then the Vatican reviews it and hopefully picks you. After that, you need the current pope to sign off. Through all this, if anyone says no it will all be reset. Often these selections take many months, or even years! So be prepared to wait.

Congratulations! You’re officially a bishop! But don’t pop that communion wine just yet. Your next step is to become a Cardinal, basically a super bishop. The catch? You can’t apply for the role. The only way in is if the current Pope personally chooses you. Out of roughly 5,300 bishops worldwide, only about 200 ever make it to the red hat club. So, it’s time to cross your fingers, say a few extra prayers, and hope the Pope thinks you’re Cardinal material.

You've done it! You made it as a Cardinal! But now you’ll need to bide your time until the Pope either retires or dies (usually the latter).

Ok the Pope has died. It’s go time. Hopefully, you’ve seen Conclave, because you’re about to live it. You and your fellow Cardinals are locked away in the Vatican with no contact with the outside world. Four times a day, you all shuffle into the Sistine Chapel to vote “Survivor-style” writing names on slips of paper. The ballots are then burned. If black smoke rises from the chimney, no Pope has been chosen. Back to the drawing board. This can go on for days or even weeks (on average, about three), until someone finally gets that magic two-thirds majority.

So now you are Pope! Congrats and pick a brand new name, something historical preferably (us Popes love honoring the legacy of our predecessors)  and enjoy leading around one billion in their religion!

Enjoy!

Ryan’s Pope Checklist:

• Catholic

• Male

• Priest (Undergrad AND Masters degree)

• Bishop (PHD and 35 years old)

• Cardinal (Be picked)

• Dead Pope