Don’t Date Musicians

Dating in Wellington Sucks

By Georgia Wearing

It’s nearly post-break-up season in Wellington—that time of year where warmer days and later sunsets allow for more time to swipe, go on dates and imagine the potential for a hot summer fling. If you’ve survived break-up season, I commend you. If you haven’t, brace yourself: dating in Wellington sucks. 

It’s truly an amalgamation of factors: the city’s large student population is still figuring out what they want—lexperimenting, navigating attachment styles,, and surviving the trenches of situationships. Wellington’s“intimate” nature means you can’t walk down Cuba Street or show up at San Fran’s weekly Eyegum without bumping into someone you know. Word travels like wildfire. A date,  a DM, a dancefloor makeout—nothing goes unnoticed. And with so little happening, conversations often circle back to the same tired topics, including the gritty details of your relationship with a stranger at a house party.  

From workplace friend groups that rotate romantic partners,  to flatmates who can’t resist hooking up, to the mutuals and crossovers that span every niche and social circle—the overlap is relentless. Want proof? Here are some testimonies. 

Arlo* says the hospitality industry can’t seem to function unless there’s at least a couple people hooking up on the downlow. “You go out for drinks with your coworkers and then the next minute one of them is in your bed,” she says. “It’s awkward for the first shift back, but hospo moves so fast that other staff will start hooking up and everyone will move on to talking about them.” 

Jay* describes dating in Wellington’s LGBTQ+ scene as being full of overlap. “I’ve noticed that whenever you follow someone you’re interested in, you’ll have five plus mutuals and they are all people you’ve been talking to or had a thing with.”—“With everyone knowing everyone, you can’t have something lowkey, which sucks because it’d be nice to go out with someone and if things end badly, not have literally every uni student finds out.” 

V* has had a similar experience: “In my early uni years, my friends and I talked about the cities’ queer dating scene being an 'incest circle', everyone you date has dated someone you know already, and so many dates ended up with one-sided or mutual ghosting!” 

Dahlia* found the scene frustrating. “I struggled with getting ghosted, which sucks because I am so sexy! But I also did a lot of ghosting too, I think everyone in the cool tier of the dating apps have inflated egos because there’s a lot of meh and weird around.” 

So there are other options, sure but most daters don’t want them. If you can ghost, you ghost. If you can’t, it’s because that person is in your immediate circle and the fallout is inevitable. And if you do ghost someone, expect punishment: like  passing them on Cuba street and having to pretend to be so engrossed in your phone that you don’t see them. 

When I was in the dating scene, it felt like war. I can’t even begin to count the  “Hey girly. DM’s I got. Friends sacrificed our friendship to  hook up with someone I was actively seeing or had history with. I’ve comforted girls locked in party bathrooms crying over the paradox of friends sleeping with each other. Some were ousted from their friend groups entirely for not playing along. 

And if I could humbly extend one piece of advice: don’t date musicians. 

The local music scene in Wellington is incredible and so full of talent…anyway. A musician I interviewed for this piece put it best:  “As someone in the music industry, the best piece of advice I could ever give to anyone is don’t! Don’t date in the music industry.’ 

I’ve dated or “fooled around” with eight musicians. Only one turned into a good relationship. The bleeding hearts, the tortured underdog artistiques glowing under stage lights—they always seem to scan the crowd for something better. (IMO, skip the ones near the front of the stage and pursue the drummer. Your odds of having your heart broken are slightly lower). 

Dating in a small city does have its perks. If you’re cheating, your secrets are not going to stay secret for long. 

Thalia* recalls discovering she was dating the same guy as another girl. “I’d just started dating a member of a band. I went to one of his gigs and noticed he was talking to another girl quite a lot, but I assumed they were friends. But then I saw her at the next gig I went to and bumped into her in the bathroom. I asked her who she was there to see, and she revealed she was dating the same guy I was! He saw us moshing together afterwards and asked to see me at the bar later, but I just walked out. My only regret was not telling the girl we were actually dating the same guy!”

Millie* admitted she got caught out quickly. “I was in a pretty bad relationship, bumped into my crush on the Ivy dancefloor and just went for it. I kid you not, the next morning, word had already got around. Serves me right for letting a couple of tequila sunrises convince me I could get away with anything.” 

In Wellington, you never run out of gossip. Whether it’s beating a dead horse or hearing the gritty details of a stranger's relationship at a house party, it’s the gift that keeps on giving—whether you like it or not. 

There’s nothing wrong with casual dating; hell, it’s my preferred style of dating, but in a small city, it’s inevitable for things to get messy.  

Still, dating in Wellington doesn't have to suck. You don’t need to settle for the bare minimum or fish from your immediate friend group or workplace. That chance to hook up with your friend’s ex or crush? It’s not worth the fallout. Wait until your relationship is over—or, actually, open—before making out with whoever you want. Because in Wellington, everyone knows everyone, whether you like it or not. 

*Names have been changed for anonymity