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Dear Aunty Vic

Q:

There's this girl I've been chatting with, and she's really cool. We have a lot in common, and she's cute, but I'm not sure if I'm up for a serious relationship yet. You know, relationships can get pretty serious, and I still want to enjoy my youth without hurting anyone. How should I bring this up with her?


A:

Ah, there's a fine art to expressing what you desire a new relationship to look like. The key is to be honest, kind, and proportionate to where your relationship currently stands. Once, I was chatting to a guy (whom I hadn't met face-to-face yet), and when I suggested hanging out on a Friday evening, his reply was, "I don't think I'm quite ready for a relationship yet." Take this as an example of what not to do, and being totally unproportionate.


Firstly, congratulations on being self-aware enough to recognize that you're not ready for a relationship. This is a step that a lot of people struggle with. However, I encourage you to still think about what you want; it seems like you want to enjoy your youth—but what does that mean? Is that code for “I want to keep sleeping with other people after a night at Red Square?”. As much as you may think that might be the case—exploring new relationships and people is also part of enjoying your youth.


Now, are you just assuming she wants a relationship, or have you had this conversation? There's a common misconception that all girls want a relationship when, in reality, they might just want a spoon on a Saturday night. Whatever the case, you must have a conversation about what you both want. Chances are you may want the same thing. On the other hand, you may find that your desires don’t align, and of course, that raises the genuine possibility of ending what you currently have. The truth is, if you raise the point that you don’t want a relationship, she has every right to abandon ship. Not everyone can handle being ‘casual’, and fucking fair enough. If that is the case you must give her space and respect her decision. Failing to do so is only going to guarantee one thing—you  will hurt this person. 


But how do you have this all important conversation? You’ve got two options: in-person, or via message. I would strongly suggest having an in-person conversation, as it’s easier to be sincere and honestly just shows the other person way more respect. However, not right after having a rag—have some fucking compassion. On the other hand, sending a message online means you can ensure you can share everything you want to say, re-craft it a couple of times and add a few lover-heart emojis yano? But it does seem less genuine, and there’s a good chance your message will be sent to her group chat and ridiculed by five or so of her closest friends. Whatever you choose, it should be reflective of where your relationship is at. If you’re going out on dates a mere text makes you a bit of a shitcunt, and if you haven’t even kissed yet, a big heart-to-heart saying “I don’t think I’m ready for a relationship” is straight-up psychotic.


If you’re not ready for a relationship because you’re enjoying being single—that is okay. But let’s normalise not leading people on. The most important thing to do is to communicate where you’re at this with your partner in a respectful, sincere and honest way. Stating this won’t necessarily mean an end to what's happening; but it is ensuring that you and your buddy have the same expectations.









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