Hey Aunty Vic! I was just wondering if you had any advice around trying to find a partner. Dating apps suck and my three-second long eye contacts haven’t gotten me anywhere. Going into Uni I thought there would be relationships abound here, but I’m now in my last year, and still as single as ever.
This advice may not be the music to your ears you were hoping for. Babe, stop searching. Dating apps are terrible, and three-second eye contact will never get you anywhere. What will change things is when you switch your mindset and start investing your energy in yourself instead of throwing yourself at people, hoping you'll stick.
University can seem like a relationship field day. Left, right, and centre, friends are hooking up, breaking up, falling in love, or just drunkenly falling over each other. Understandably so—everyone is in an environment they've never experienced before. A place where there are thousands of young, attractive, charismatic people all congregated in one city. On top of that, there are parties, alcohol, drugs, sex, and, maybe more importantly, no parents. University does facilitate the exploration of relationships, so I understand why you may have expected to have experienced one by now.
While university provides opportunities for relationships, simply attending one does not guarantee you'll be in a relationship. Furthermore, assuming you should be in a relationship just because those around you are might feel right, but it’s illogical.
Healthy relationships grow out of two secure people. To be a good partner, you need to be secure in who you are, what you want, how you like spending your time, and have a general feeling of contentment within yourself. Think about it—would you want to be in a committed relationship with a person who doesn't even have a strong sense of themselves? Who can't define their interests or values, or choose supportive friends? Fuck no! So why would you offer yourself up as a partner if you aren't there yet?
You might be wondering how to reach that point. Step one: stop actively seeking a relationship. When you're constantly searching for a partner, you drain your time and energy on people who may not reciprocate. Instead, redirect that energy into self-discovery and growth.
Focus on activities you love, places you enjoy, and friendships that support you. As you invest in yourself, you'll naturally gravitate toward like-minded individuals who could be better potential partners. Consider the qualities that attract you to others—confidence, charisma, interesting hobbies, and supportive friends—and aim to embody those traits yourself.
Fundamentally, start exploring who you are, and find joy in going on that journey. Happiness doesn’t only come from being in a relationship, mostly, it comes from friends, family and yourself. Stop thinking that being in one will provide such happiness. Take the pressure off, and learn more about you. I promise you, discovering yourself is much more rewarding than any relationship in your 20-somethings.