Salient

Things wrong with power metal:

By Salient | 14 May, 2007

1. The falsetto vocals reminiscent of the Bee Gees after castration
2. The fact that people in Europe still like it
3. The Pac-Man sounds in between guitar solos
4. The endless guitar solos that never seem to go anywhere
5. Seriously, how many times can you sing about Lord of The Rings, I mean didn’t Led Zeppelin corner that market?

Nightmares that were realised:

1. That student debt could get that big
2. That Marilyn Manson really was serious about a career in art
3. That Hallensteins really thinks it’s good enough to say it has a look
4. Polar fleece would try and make a comeback
5. That Dragonforce are coming to New Zealand

Things tele psychics didn’t see coming:

1. That feminism would shoot itself in the foot
2. That people would find out why the telephone bill was so large
3. That power metal still lives on
4. You’re going to get fired for calling them
5. That we’d be thrashing the same sexist joke six weeks later

Things the Back of the Y lads will come up with next:

1. Deja-lager: have that same feeling every time you drink it
2. A children’s TV show: ‘Randy Campbell’s guide to X-T-ream play school stunts’
3. The Brown album
4. Randy jumps the Cook Strait on a Raleigh 20
5. Their own line of pre-used porn

Things we will regret come the end of the world:

1. Listening to people beat off about all those stupid humanitarian causes
2. Bothering to pay back some of our loan, rather than just blow it on beer and hookers
3. Good Charlotte’s new album
4. That we actually listened to that tele psychic.
5. Women’s rights

Best Cults:

1. House
2. Boston Legal
3. Jebus
4. Civil rights
5. Science

Best Songs for a Funeral Service:

1. ‘Wish You Were Here’ - Pink Floyd
2. ‘Knocking on Heaven’s Door’ - Guns and Roses
3. ‘Man in a Box’ - Alice in Chains
4. ‘Exhume to Consume’ - Carcass
5. ‘Heaven’s Not Overflowing’ - Corrosion of Conformity

Things to do with corpses:

1. Rip out the eyes and fuck its skull!
2. Freeze and mulch for dog food
3. Roof ornament
4. Make a Zombie Playmate
5. A crap movie about a zombie that ran for president. Like ‘Weekend at Bernie’s’, but way, way more elaborate

Thesis topics also considered for the $96k that Dave Snell got to study Bogans:

1. The everyday life of Emos: lack of identity. No want for community among the disaffected youth of today
2. Munters: self-destruction and misogyny on a weekendly basis among the rugby community
3. Lust, lechery and illegality: what makes a paedophile tick
4. The green, green grass of home: the hippy pot smoking culture in depth
5. Boring: homogeneity and lack of personality among commerce students

Fates worse than death:

1. Prison sex toy
2. Being half-eaten by ants
3. Being adopted by Madonna
4. Spider-Man 3
5. Being stuck in a small room and being forced to watch reruns of Seventh Heaven