Salient

Things to spend the $4.47 billion surplus on:

By Salient | 5 Mar, 2007

1. Save the Little Spotted Kiwi by offering it a cash incentive to breed
2. Re-fi lm the Lord of the Rings trilogy ten times
3. Annoy the Australians by sending everyone in NZ there on holiday – at the same time
4. Buy back Telecom and re-name it ‘Bastardphones’
5. Cake for everybody!

Things Helen Clark can say to George W. Bush when they meet later this month:

1. So, Georgie… looks like ya kinda fucked up there
2. Pop quiz! I’ll bring back nukes if you can point to NZ on this map!
3. John Howard’s been telling everyone you’re a dick
4. Do you know where Condi buys her suits?
5. Osama says hi

Accusative things to say to European exchange students:

1. Why are you trying to dilute the Maori population of Aotearoa?
2. Your homeland is real old. Old stuff smells funny.
3. Got any muskets and blankets?
4. So, are you related to Hitler?
5. The carbon footprint of the airplane that brought you here killed a polar bear. You bastard.

Gandhi pick-up lines

1. Will you lie naked with me to test my purity?
2. Say hello to my little friend
3. Would you like to meditate on my lap?
4. Mmmm, hot pacifist tantric sex…
5. It’s okay – I’m Gandhi

Uncomfortable places to have sex involving Wellington’s Civic Sculptures

1. Inside the Civic Centre’s silver fern globe
2. On the orange Len Lye wand in Miramar
3. Gymnastic-style while straddling the fallen columns on Lambton Quay
4. Lying down on the splintery goodness of the City to Sea Bridge
5. Hand-stand style atop the big rock by Te Papa