Salient

Things to do while nailed to a cross

By Salient | 31 Jul, 2006

1. Having distance-peeing contests with neighbours.
2. Try and convert that last passer-by.
3. Waste some time on imdb.com.
4. Get a tan.
5. Look at the view, pause, and think “what a beautiful world”.

Reasons Why Wanganui is the Murder Capital of New Zealand

1. Hey, someone’s gotta be in 1st place.
2. The Hutt City Mafia does a better job disposing its bodies.
3. Even their river is brown.
4. Tokoroans are too busy killing themselves.
5. If you were stuck in fucking Wanganui, you’d murder somebody too.

Advantages to living in a leper colony

1. Cheaper transplants.
2. Don’t have to worry about gaining weight.
3. No sports.
4. Others always willing to lend a hand.
5. Well, it probably can’t get much worse.

Useful genetic modifications

1. Auxiliary penis.
2. Claw arms.
3. Force-fields.
4. A third breast in the middle of the back, for dancing.
5. Harpoon tongues.

Bad side effects

1. Greasy discharge.
2. Loss of limb.
3. Itchy sack.
4. Stigma.
5. Cancer.

Smoke signals

1. “White men coming”
2. “Text me on my cell”
3. “I found the gasoli . . . SHOOM!”
4. “Puff, puff, give”
5. “Fire”

Best Fatalities

1. Jumping off a building, landing on a flagpole.
2. Drowning in a vat of chocolate.
3. Assphyxiation
4. Being eaten by an army of red ants.
5. Steal a chairlift safety cover, use it to slide down the mountain, and then crash into the only pole without a chairlift safety cover.

Best places to hide

1. Next to the purloined letter.
2. In the magical wardrobe.
3. Behind judicial immunity.
4. Not Lebanon.
5. Beside the pretty friend.

Sentences that have never been uttered

1. Nothing helps indigestion like rough anal sex.
2. I think George Bush action figures would be a big seller this Christmas.
3. Nick Kelly looks good with long hair.
4. One time, I had a threesome with my brother and sister.
5. Boogers are pretty damn tasty.

Reasons why Israel is cool

1. They’re too cheap to actually bomb Hizbollah.
2. Moshe Dayan looked like a pirate.
3. Fewer foreskin infections.
4. We can always count on Israel for some sort of explosion.
5. They’re constant reminders of how the Nazis failed.