Salient

Things to ask God

By Salient | 19 May, 2008

1. Why did you make the evidence of your existence so uncompelling?
2. My first gay boyfriend shot himself, is he in hell?
3. Is Epicurus a cunt?
4. Why does mommy look scared whenever daddy comes home?
5. Who would you turn gay for?

Things to ask Allah:
1. Where is Osama?
2. America, good thing or bad thing?
3. Wherez mah virgins at, bi-atch?
4. Why do you hate jews?
5. How much wood, could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?

Things to ask Xenu:
1. Can I get a discount on my Dianetics manual?
2. Is Tom Cruise gay?
3. Can I haz cheeseburger?
4. How long is longcat?
5. Why do only insecure actors believe in you?

Things to ask Buddha:
1. Have you ever considered a salad?
2. Pass da bong au!?
3. What’s so great about that ‘OM’ thing?
4. Can I be reincarnated as a dragon, or some cool shit like that?
5. You’re not even a deity are you, sukka?

Things to ask a Scientist:
1. Atoms: what a crock of shit.
2. Why’re people so FUCKING stupid?
3. When is survival of the fittest going to kick in?
4. When will they invent something that will make me pretty?
5. When will this rash clear up?

Things to self reflect on in a dark room:
1. Why am I so unhappy?
2. Why is racism so so funny?
3. String theory
4. BDSM
5. Who would win a Mad Max-like cage fight between God, Allah, Xenu & Buddha? Would it matter if there were chairs under the ring?

Top Fives by JD

Top Five Reasons Why Boris Johnson won the Mayoralty of London:
5. Blue is the new red
4. The Vast Right Wing Conspiracy
3. Everyone loves a fat buffoon
2. Proper accents are sexy
1. Voting Tory will cause your wife to have bigger breasts and increase your chances of owning a BMW M3

Top Five Reasons Why Helen Clark will lose the looming election:
5. Blue is the new red
4. The Vast Right Wing conspiracy
3. Everyone loves cheese
2. The phone is off the hook
1. Voting Labour will cause your wife to have smaller breasts and increase the chances of a Cabinet Minister driving a BMW M3