Salient

Things the Pope Also Mentioned in His Muslim Speech

By Salient | 2 Oct, 2006

1. Shout-outs to all his homies from back in the day
2. He would prefer it if people stopped calling him “Pope Benny”
3. Those Muslims wear funny hats
4. The Hitler Youth invented hot pants
5. He thinks he might have fucked your mum

Reasons to Go to Canada

1. Hmm…..
2. You’ve always wanted to learn another language
3. Syrup
4. Their crackhouses aren’t run by black people
5. Fewer school shootings

Titles of the Next Five Number One Singles

1. ‘Uhh, Uhh, Yee-aaah’
2. ‘Pussy my Pussy Pussy (Pussy Pussy)’
3. ‘Ctrl Alt Delete Restart Baby (Abort)’
4. ‘I’m Thirteen But It’s Still Ok to Want to Fuck Me’
5. ‘Thirty Year Old Man Hanging in the Toilets at a Young Boys School’ (Timbaland Remix)

Regrettable Fads from our Childhood

1. Polio
2. The Christian Heritage Party
3. Murder suicides
4. Scrappy Doo
5. Marxism

Platforms VUWSA Candidates Should Be Running On

1. One made of straw dangling above a pond of ill-tempered mutated sea-bass
2. Universal student allowances….yep, it’ll happen one day
3. With help from the Exclusive Brethren
4. Competency
5. Actually, we really like competency

Things Not to Poke with a Stick

1. The girl in front of you with the builder’s crack
2. Forest fires
3. That guy on P
4. Balloons full of anthrax
5. Landmines

Things Blanketman Said to Be Able to Borrow a Car

1. Give me your car or I’ll hug you
2. I’ll use my blanket as a seat cover
3. For this car I’ll give you these beads and blanket
4. Hey, look over there!
5. Te Nanga Mahuta o te Kanawa

Ways to Solve the Iraq War

1. Get Sherlock Holmes onto it
2. Milk and cookies
3. Invading Iraq again
4. Character assassination of Bill Clinton
5. Post-modern re-definition of Iraq

Things We Hate About School Holidays

1. You never know if you’re checking out jailbait
2. Surreptitious adult shop visits infinitely more embarrassing
3. Having to look at the idealistic exuberance in their eyes, a couple of years before it’s rightfully stamped out
4. There’s always a queue for the swings
5. The Big Kumara’s too full

Full House Episodes Which Never Aired

1. The one when DJ got raped by Uncle Joey
2. The one where Stephanie and Kimmy ‘experimented’
3. The one when Michelle found her evil twin
4. The one where Danny called Arabs “sand niggers” on TV
5. The one where Uncle Jesse smoked crack