Salient

Things not to do while hung over:

By Salient | 28 May, 2007

1 Charter a boat to Alaska.
2 Eat that half eaten Burger King from last night. You will regret it.
3 Figure out why you woke up half naked at a bus stop. Some things are better left unknown.
4 Turn your music up really loud and mosh.
5 Try and give yourself fellatio like you always thought you couldn’t.

Best ways to self destruct:

1 Make a whole lot of money, then blow it all on a big boat that you can’t afford.
2 Become a suicide bomber.
3 Start working for SCS.
4 Spend all of your money on legal battles and a theme park, like Michel Jackson.
5 Become a Hare Krishna.

People we really want to just shut up:

1 Those stupid Krishnas on Cuba St. I don’t want enlightenment, so fuck off.
2 Mark Sainsbury.
3 Bono.
4 John Key.
5 Paris Hilton. For fuck’s sake just go to prison already.

Pointers for when you’re losing your edge as a rock star.

1 Coconut trees pose more of a threat than you thought they did.
2 Scientology is starting to sound pretty good.
3 You have to leave the band you’re in because they are fucked off with how many drugs you do.
4 You replace your lead singer with a person from Iced Earth.
5 Even your groupies are looking tired.

Ways to avoid colds this winter:

1 Do what the Hindus do and herd cows. I hear it gets you a god or something.
2 Don’t kiss anybody if you don’t know where they have been.
3 Don’t go to lectures. They always have sick people in them.
4 Avoid Grandma’s baking that looks older than she is.
5 Get the flu vaccine… Though that would just be easy.

Ways to avoid going to prison like Paris is:

1 Piss and moan at every opportunity to celebrity rags.
2 Pay off the judge. Though for that you would need money.
3 Play the overly effeminate pussy card about being helpless.
4 Er… Be famous.
5 Sleep with the judge then blackmail them with the tape… You know she would, so why wouldn’t you?

Most Awkward sex Positions:

1 Doggy style… With an actual dog.
2 Self Analfi sting. If you can do this you kick so much ass… Or punch as the case may be
3 That one in the Kama Sutra with the girl all like hanging off you an’ shit.
4 The Air Tight (If you don’t know what this is then you probably shouldn’t ask.)
5. DVDA. Nuff said.

Things letter writers to Salient should stop being so precious about:

1 Feminism.
2 Gay people.
3 Diets.
4 Crap about fees rises at Uni, go do something about it.
5 Their shit taste in music.

Moustaches:

1 Tom Selleck
2 That guy from American Chopper.
3 Hulk Hogan.
4 Hitler.
5 Jessie ‘The Devil’ Hughes, from The Eagles of Death Metal.

Things you shouldn’t be able to do after you die:

1 Write books…J.R.R, I’m looking at you mate.
2 Release music. Marley, Tupac, you’re both guilty of this one.
3 Get things credited to you.
4 Be indicted for another crime. Seriously I don’t know how many times this has happened in states with the death penalty.
5 Get more famous.