Salient

People More Important Than The Maori Queen

By Salient | 4 Sep, 2006

1. Diana, Princess of Whangarei
2. A six-year old white American girl who was murdered 13 years ago
3. Mel Gibson
4. The Maori what-now?
5. The Chinese

Potential Taglines for Oedipus Rex: the Movie

1. Baby’s Back!
2. A Reason to Not Have to Gouge Your Eyes Out!
3. Motherfucker!
4. You’ve had the Complex, now see the Movie!
5. As written by Dan Brown!

Things you thought about the world when you were sixteen

1. You were going to rule some sort of empire when you were older
2. That acne eventually cleared up
3. There’s nothing like a B&N (beat and nap)
4. That daring to be different was for losers
5. Your parents are the stupidest motherfuckers in the world

Questions to ask

1. If you were hooking up with a lactating woman, would you spit or swallow?
2. If you’re really fat and haven’t seen your penis for 7 years, is it legally dead?
3. How many midgets does it take to change a lightbulb?
4. Are there any self-confessed right-wingers who aren’t sexually frustrated?
5. How does a television work?

Ways in which New Orleans is observing the anniversary of Hurricane Katrina

1. With blues, tits
2. Hurricane Ernesto
3. Avoiding stench
4. Scavenger hunt
5. Fundraising for George W.

Reasons why Pluto is no longer a planet

1. Only room in the solar system for eight “real” planets
2. Smallish chunk of rock associated with cartoon dog no longer considered “planet-worthy”
3. Astronomers no longer could find it
4. Xena kicked its ass
5. Science fair projects too difficult for our current education system

Things you shouldn’t spread on a cracker

1. A microchip
2. Polly
3. Rumours
4. Another cracker
5. A potato

Possible sequels to “Snakes on a Plane”

1. “Baboons on a Bus”
2. “Lice in a Brothel”
3. “Vernicious Knids in a Glass Elevator”
4. “Panther in a Submarine”
5. “A Mutant Hovering Air-Breathing Colossal Squid with Radioactive Eyes Trapped in an Everyday American Suburban House Where A Single Man, A Single Woman (Who Will Soon
Become a Couple), A Wise-Cracking Black Man (Who Will Die First), and Two Cute Children Are Trapped”

Latest things to banned from international air travel

1. Snakes
2. Fingernails
3. Howitzers
4. Children
5. Trousers

An apple a day . . .

1. Can break windows all around your neighbourhood
2. Keeps your pancreas gray!
3. Is not cider ok?
4. Democracy lets you have your say
5. Is a useless cliche!