Five reasons why we didn’t win the World Cup

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Five reasons why we didn’t win the World Cup

By Salient | 15 Oct, 2007

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1. Bad strategy: we won all our pool games and had to play France, who didn’t
2. We scored fewer points than France did
3. We spent too much money
4. We didn’t get into the final
5. Helen Clark decided to turn up to the French game

Five reasons why Graham Henry should be the All Blacks coach

1. His Weetbix card looks much better
2. All Black management have publicly said he has done everything right
3. Robbie Deans can then coach Australia and ensure they lose to NZ every time
4. Henry didn`t throw THAT forward pass.
5. He has a better sense of humour

Five reasons why Salient didn’t get the best publication at the recent ASPA awards

1. Salient had too much mainstream media coverage
2. Salient is harder to spell than Craccum.
3. Steve Nicoll refused to sleep with any of the judges
4. Our publication is the biggest and judges didn’t have time to read it all
5. Judges didn’t like publications that are printed on newsprint

Five ways to liven up your lectures

1. Tell everyone Salient is hot – then use it to make a dart and light the end of it
2. Fart quietly and say “excuse me” very loudly
3. Sit under your desk with your head in your hands and repeatdly moan “The earthquake is coming”
4. Loudly thank the lecturer every time he writes on the whiteboard
5. Ask the same question every 10 minutes during the lecture

Five ways to pass exams

1. Answer most of the questions correctly
2. Stick your notes under the toilet seat and excuse yourself every 30 minutes
3. The same way you pass wind – stick the exam paper up your anus and let it drop
4. Sit next to someone with big writing
5. Sit a paper where everyone else is likely to be thicker than you

Words to say instead of saying ‘fuck’

1. bother
2. blast
3. shucky-darn
4. drat
5. shit

Ball sports you can play instead of football

1. Testiball
2. Adamsappball
3. Nippball
4. Clarkball
5. Kneecapball

Five teams who think they are better than they actually are

1. A-Team
2. All Blacks
3. Team Evil Dallas Rock Band
4. Manchester United
5. US Presidential Prayer Team

Officers who have an anger problem

1. Truancy officers
2. Police officers
3. VUWSA Returning officers
4. Corrections officers
5. GOAL – Gay Officers Action League

Comments

Adamm
October 21st, 2007 at 2:30 pm

Five reasons why Salient didnâ€™t get the best publication at the recent ASPA awards:

1. Steve Nicoll
2. Nick Archer
3. Dave Crampton
4. Lindsay Perigo
5. And any other out-of-place “radical” moron claiming to be student media.

the rock says this
October 21st, 2007 at 3:32 pm

6. billy the dancing moose
7. seriously what the fuck kind of queer ass name is billy the dancing moose

Top five reasons the Salient party SUCKED!!!!
November 16th, 2007 at 5:04 pm

1. Chris Renwicks presence. Waddling around trying to join the better half of the room- only to be yelled at by a special someone to fuck off - is funny but also very tragic.
2. Rachel Wright’s drunken ‘pole dancing’ and threats to wrestle smaller, sober (due to reason 3) Salient staff.
3. Steve Nicoll’s “friends” drinking the tab, while the Salient employees and award winning journalists were jipped of their chance to drink their worries of unemployment away.
4.The fact that the poor efforts of the party - including the dismal music choices, reflect the shit poor efforts of the mag.
5. The fact that the host considered himself too cool to stick around to the end - perhaps jetting off to the Mighty to drunkenly abuse more notable members of the public.

Evee
November 16th, 2007 at 6:56 pm

ha ha

first time top 5 made me laugh this year

Laura McQuillan
November 17th, 2007 at 2:56 pm

I would have put number 5 as number 1 - because it was piss poor. I otherwise agree.

And how come the beer ran out so soon???!! I blame those mentioned at number 3. Bitches.

Nicola Addison
November 17th, 2007 at 8:15 pm

Laura, you`re right. I should have put number 5 as number 1.

Samuel
November 18th, 2007 at 12:30 am

what, weren’t your writers worth sticking around for, steve? the people who tried their best to make salient worthwhile this yeah, despite your fucking incomprehensibly shit editing, piss poor people skills and goddamn awful man management?

hope you’re looking forward to long term unemployment, because shit sticks buddy.

Michael Oliver
November 18th, 2007 at 12:44 am

Is Chris Randwick fat? I inadvertently ended up shaking the hand of some grotesquely huge fuck while I was trying to introduce Keith Ng to Tristan, and he had the limpest fucking handshake I’ve ever come across. In fact, it wasn’t even a fucking handshake - he just grabbed my hand and held it; the shaking came from me trying to get him to let go.

Harsh but true
November 18th, 2007 at 12:26 pm

That’s the one. he takes ‘baby bump’ to the extreme- looks as if he’s about to birth the villest spawn possible.

chris renwick
November 18th, 2007 at 7:16 pm

Michael, you are such a dickhead at times, the rest of the time you are a complete wanker.

Michael Oliver
November 18th, 2007 at 8:27 pm

Said Chris, as he licked his finger and touched the side of his jeans, making a “ssss!” sound.

Laura McQuillan
November 19th, 2007 at 8:50 am

I got yo’ back, sista

Nick Archer
November 19th, 2007 at 1:22 pm

“Top five reasons the Salient party SUCKED!!!!”

Hmmm I wonder who you are, I REALLY wonder…

dave
November 19th, 2007 at 5:50 pm

its Michael Oliver

Disappointed
November 20th, 2007 at 9:09 am

Nick: I don’t think anyone gives a shit that you can check IP addresses and figure out who they really are.

BTW, the party really did suck pretty much for the reasons stated above.

Evee
November 20th, 2007 at 12:23 pm

fuckin michael oliver

Laura McQuillan
November 20th, 2007 at 12:48 pm

That egg. Na, tricks. It wasn’t even Michael Oliver. Just some mysterious social commentator (who is very good-looking, I hear).

Evee
November 20th, 2007 at 2:02 pm

what’s hr name, whats her numba i would like to get to know her

tristan
November 20th, 2007 at 7:14 pm

A-ha Evee, I see you have revealed your true identity:

You are Cypress Hill.

Michael Oliver
November 20th, 2007 at 11:10 pm

I didn’t even arrive at the party until about an hour before it disbanded, so I missed the events that occurred in numbers 1-3.

so sorry I’m not the smooth internet trickster you thought I was

trickster performing tricks what a tricky devil he or she is heh heh heh…

Michael Oliver
November 20th, 2007 at 11:17 pm

this thread is now dedicated to listing the names of your fave tricksters:

- Evee (tricky trickster)
- Glenn Jacobs (initiator of thought provoking debate, or sly trickster laying down tricky traps to entice Salient posters over to SOLO)
- David Copperfield (trickiest trickster who knew so many tricks he tricked people into thinking he went over the Niagara Falls in a barrel what a trickster)
- Dick Cheney (tricky Dick has a man-sized safe in his office)
- Stephen Colbert (trickster king tricking indifferent americans to vote for him, only to be out done by…)
- The South Carolina Democratic Primary System (collective tricksters who tricked Colbert into thinking he had a shot at the White House, only it was a trick and he fell for the trick but it was a tricky trick so it’s coolbeans)

tricksters, one and all. tricksters.

Steve Niccoll
November 20th, 2007 at 11:29 pm

MAKE WAY FOR THE NEW GENERATION!

Under 25
November 21st, 2007 at 7:41 am

Was Steve talking to himself when he said that?

James Brown
December 14th, 2007 at 1:24 pm

The reason Graham Henry should coach the ABs is cause he looks like Chris Renwick.

Ronnie James Dio
December 14th, 2007 at 6:42 pm

‘cos they’re both goblin-tastic!

Nic
January 11th, 2008 at 2:02 pm

every one h8s steve nicollas