Salient

Coolest People in Bollywood

By Salient | 3 Mar, 2008

1. Shah Rukh Khan
2. Aishwarya Rai
3. Yo’ Mama
4. Mahatma Gandhi
5. Krishna

Definitions of ‘Environmentalist’

1. Nice people.
2. Nice people who care.
3. Nice people who care about stuff.
4. People who didn’t get the pet they wanted as a child.
5. Proof that marijuana really does rot your mind.

Ways to fuck with a boy’s head… psychologically

1. Flirt outrageously all summer long, before informing him of your chastity vow - abstinence is so hot right now.
2. Complain that his masturbation makes you feel alienated.
3. Tell him you love Iron Maiden too, then spend the bulk of your relationship fitting him into indie jeans.
4. Bitterly bitch about his lack of spontaneous romanticism, and consider every act of generosity a bribe.
5. Seduce him with your eyes. Lure him to your room. Tie him to the bed with handcuffs - then go masturbate in the shower.

Ways to fuck with a boy’s head… literally

1. Put your cock in his ear
2. Use his nose as a dildo
3. Use sci-fi technology to shrink yourself and a friend down to the size of fleas, then make hot lesbian sex on his tongue. No, wait - that’s a way to fuck inside a boy’s head.
4. Criticise everything he does. Just so he has to give you great head to feel like a worthwhile human being.
5. And after he goes down on you, say “Oh, excuse me, I must go to the bathroom to remove my tampon.”

Things said in the Salient office this week

1. “I’m so straight I fuck men.”
2. “Cluster bombs look scary.” “Yeah man. They’re not very nice things.”
3. “My dream job would be to be a Jewish arms dealer in the Sudan.”
4. “Philosophy is dangerous, and I don’t recommend it.”
5. “This could be biased because I’ve hooked up with her before, but…”

Your Mama’s so fat jokes

1. Your mama’s so fat, she’s Gaia
2. Your mama’s so fat, she had to go to Seaworld to get baptised.
3. Your mama’s so fat, she’s been diagnosed with Type 2 diabetes, and is now a drain on the national health system.
4. Your mama’s so fat, when she goes to the beach, the tide comes in.
5. There’s a moratorium on whaling your mama.