Salient

Ways to fuck with a boy’s head – emotionally:

By Salient | 2 Apr, 2007

1. Flirt outrageously all summer long, before informing him of your chastity vow. Abstinence is so hot right now.
2. Say “OMFG, I love Iron Maiden too!” – then spend the bulk of your relationship converting him into a nice indie boy
3. Bitter bitch about his lack of spontaneous romanticism, and consider every act of generosity as a bribe.
4. Every two months, tell him you’re pregnant. Even if you are a gay couple.
5. Complain that his masturbation makes you feel alienated.

Ways to fuck with a boy’s head – literally:

1. Put your cock in his ear
2. Use his nose as a dildo
3. Use sci-fi technology to shrink you and a girlfriend down to the size offl eas, then make hot lesbian sex on his tongue. No, wait – that’s a way to fuck inside a boy’s head.
4. Criticise everything he does. Just so that he has to go down on you to feel like a worthwhile human being.
5. And after he goes down on you, say “oh, excuse me, I must go to the bathroom to remove my tampon.”

Wrong Ways to Celebrate Easter:

1. Nail up Santa
2. Put LSD in the Easter bun stripes
3. Use fertilized Easter eggs
4. Rabbit hunting (obviously)
5. Stick a Crème egg up your arse

Worst Autobiography Titles:

1. How I Never Did Anything or Went Anywhere
2. A Life of Eating Poo
3. Me and My Tiny Penis
4. My Credit Card Number is 3853866730
5. First-Name Terms at the STD Clinic

Infamous Last Words:

1. “Of course it’s not loaded!”
2. “Come on men, they couldn’t hit an elephant at this dist-“
3. “Why don’t we taste it and find out?”
4. “I think it’s asleep”
5. “I’m driving… but that hand job sure feels good…”

Achievements of Justin Timberlake:

1. Brought back sexy
2. Alyssa Milano
3. Superbowl XXXVIII
4. Dick in a Box
5. Dick in Britney

Contraceptive Techniques:

1. Up the bum no babies
2. Pull out and pray
3. Flying solo
4. Necrophilia
5. Doing a commerce degree

Reasons to Leave Emos Alone:

1. They’ll put you on their “list”
2. They’ll write a poem about you
3. They want the attention
4. Evil voodoo emo magic
5. My Chemical Romance

Manga Sound Effects:

1. BLOK! - head hitting pavement
2. TWOON! – firing lasers
3. WIIZ! - adjusting binoculars
4. BROMF BLAKAM KRUMB BROOM KRONK VLAM ZBRAT! - construction noises
5. FDD… - the sound of thinking

Celebrity Disguises:

1. Tape two beach balls to your chest to pass as Rebecca Loos
2. Put a paper bag over your head to pass as any of National’s backbench
3. Grow a little beard and glue a shoe polishing brush to your head to pass as Geoff Hayward
4. Hit yourself on the back of the head with a shovel to pass as George W. Bush
5. Eat a tube of curry paste and throw up over yourself to pass as Mt Ruapehu

Welshisms:

1. Babanod cloronen blodyn (baby potato flower)
2. Who’s coat’s this jacket?
3. You knows I loves you ‘cos I fucks you and buys you chips!
4. Who’s coffee’s this tea?
5. Cadwch Cymru yn lan. Danfonwch y sbwriel i Loegr! (Keep Wales tidy. Leave your rubbish in England!)