Salient

The Week In Politics

By Geoff Hayward | 16 Oct, 2006

This is (hopefully) my last article for the ‘Week in Politics’. I thought I would try and write about how these columns get written, looking at the very week that the year’s most scandalous issues has come to a head.

Monday: Worrying about everything but a poxy column.

Tuesday: Ideas flow about, usually the seeds of a rant. For instance: First, who would have thought the following at the start of this year?

1) National putting out an environmental policy that sounds more reasonable than anything from Labour?

2) The Greens looking at working with National, and ACT looking to work with Labour?

3) The flip-flop by National on tax policy.

4) The flip-flop by Labour on tax policy.

5) Don Brash still as Leader of the National Party (actually, I did, but some people can be idealistic).

6) We would not see a Maori revolution on the Maori Roll.

7) Winston Peters (New Zealand First, List) as ‘Spiderman’.

8) Taito Phillip Field’s (Labour, Mangere) future as an MP still unanswered in October (and still no certainty of there being an end to it all).

9) Rodney Hide (ACT, Epsom) dancing himself into thin air.

10) The Young Nats having to take down a picture of Helen Clark as Luke’s “lesbian father”.

11) Helen Clark (Labour, Mt Albert) being accused of being corrupt, and her husband of being gay.

12) Don Brash (National, List) being accused of being an adulterer (for the second time).

Wednesday: Usually articles will be written today, but the Auditor-General’s report into overspending is due on the next day, and so I have tried to plead to the Salient Editor James Robinson about delaying a day. (Actually this happens a lot, but at least this time I have a decent excuse!)

Thursday: Woke up, fell out of bed, dragged a comb across my head. Read through past columns for an idea of what has been happening through the year, and I noticed a couple of things:

1) National and Labour fighting over either the scraps on the table, or point scoring for the sake of point scoring.

2) The pledge card is the issue of 2006.

3) Tax cuts are a smokescreen.

4) No matter what accomplishments are achieved and promise kept, if you are seen as fumbling or deceitful, you will get caned.

So, maybe that is the lesson to be learnt from the year. By this stage I am now waiting for the report to be released, so I take my partner out for lunch to pass the time. My mind begins to wander. I start to predict what will happen over the next twelve months:

1) Heather Roy (ACT, List) being called ‘chubby’ by her caucus colleague.

2) Brian Connell (National, Rakaia) and Taito Phillip Field starting a new political party, to be known as Mouldy- Pacific.

3) Winston Peters finally paying for a meal.

4) Peter Dunne (United Future, Ohariu- Belmont) getting divorced from his long time lover: “Common Sense”. Common Sense will get the House.

5) The Labour caucus inextricably finding $800,000 and donating it to the Darnton vs Clark legal defence.

6) Sue Bradford (Greens, List) as the sole leader of the Greens, after smacking them all into submission.

7) Ron Mark (New Zealand First, List) pulling a brown-eye in Parliament.

8) Bob Clarkson (National, Tauranga) as Speaker of the House.

9) Chris Finlayson (National, List) joining Rainbow Labour.

10) Wayne Mapp (National, North Shore) eradicated as PC-eradicator, replaced by Pansy Wong.

11) Judith Collins (National, Clevedon) returning her soul, she found it and doesn’t need it any more.

12) Jerry Brownlee (National, Ilam) and Parekura Horomia (Labour, Ikaroa- Rawhiti) becoming so big that they now orbit about each other, their gravitational forces causing all water taps to pulse their flow, like a local tidal movement.

13) A new toilet for Dover Samuels’ (Labour, List) office.

14) Marian Hobbs (Labour, Wellington Central) …dancing with the stars.

15) Tim Barnett (Labour, Christchurch Central) as Mayor…of Wellington.

16) Don Brash to sell his own range of clothing and toupees.

17) Helen Clark to sell prints of her artworks.

18) Mark Blumsky (National, List) losing his eyebrows after he was pushed down the Plimmer steps late one night.

19) Tau Henare (National, List) as the new host of Eye to Eye.

Finally, the report comes out. No surprises. Labour owes six figures, and they finally say they will pay it back. If I made out that Dr Brash made a tactical blunder (again) last week, then the Government’s handling of this whole matter has been catastrophic (or what Jon Stewart would call a Catastrofuck).

Anyway, I’m out of here. It’s been a real joy to rant on, but I must move on. To all who have come up to me and commented on how shit my column is: thanks for your support. Thanks to those who have come up to me and talked politics after reading my column, hope you two are still reading my column. Enormous thanks to my friends and supporters, and thanks to Marian (not the MP), my muse.