Salient

The week that wasn’t

By Jackson Wood | 24 Mar, 2008

Scientists discover new dimension

Scientists in Lafayette, Louisiana, this week have discovered a new dimension. Dr. Karl Gruber of the South Louisiana University of Technology (SLUT) said on Monday that “the dimension appears to be situated in a localised area of spacetime, in the approximate vicinity of Britney Spears.”

Asked to characterize the new dimension, SLUT scientists commented that it was unlike any other dimension yet discovered. It exhibits parallel universe-like qualities. Only one person has been known to be able to enter into the dimension, and that is Britney herself. Other people who have tried, Justin Timberlake and Kevin Federline, have emerged horribly disfigured.

SLUT scientists nicknamed the new dimension “Crazy” after one of the Louisiana raised pop singer’s songs.

The physics department of SLUT is now researching the possibility of interlinking wormholes between the realities of celebrities, such as Lindsay Lohan and Paris Hilton.

IT’S GOLD!

Late last week gold was discovered under the Vice Chancellor’s office by prospectors from Kensington Resources Limited (KRL). The boon came after three weeks of secret searching by KRL and VUW management. KRL estimates that the university is a gold mine of epic proportions and that the university will be able to generate massive amounts of profits from the running of an open cast mine where the Union Building currently is.

Geology students are suitably “pissed off” that the VC allowed external prospectors onto campus to search for gold. One undergrad student in the school of Geography, Environment and Earth Sciences said that “This is just another example of the students of Vic being undermined by management.”