Salient

Salient Guide to Saving the World

By Salient | 3 Mar, 2008

Problem:
Planes like to drop cluster munitions on people because weapons manufacturers went to the trouble of making the damn things, so they need to have their products tested. This hurts people.

Solution:
Drop Coke cans instead. Since this will still fund at least one major US corporation, it shouldn’t hurt dearest capitalism too badly.

Problem:
The Gaza Strip is overpopulated, has no money to stop sewage flowing through its streets, and is blockaded by Israel.

Solution:
Go shopping! On the 23rd of January this year, tens of thousands of Palestinians pushed through a hole in their fence and went on a spending spree in Egypt. They hauled back medical supplies, cows, Coca-Cola, petrol, Malimbo cigarettes, satellite dishes and soap. Many Egyptian shopowners gleefully jacked up their prices to fleece the desperate souls.

Problem:
Last December, President Kibaki and his opponent couldn’t decide who’d won Kenya’s election.

Solution:
Opposition supporters went around killing Kikuyus (the President’s ethnic group) and the police killed opposition supporters. More than one thousand died. Actually, this was not a good solution at all. It was terrible solution. Forget we said anything.

Problem:
Timor Leste’s President José Ramos-Horta was critically wounded after rebel forces shot him in the right lung.

Solution:
Science! Doctors placed Ramos-Horta in an induced coma for ten days to aid his healing. We can rebuild him.

Problem:
The Bush Administration believes Iran wants to Nuke Us All!

Solution:
No they won’t. Last December, the United States National Intelligence Estimate admitted Iran ceased trying to build nuclear bombs in 2003. Like, yay and stuff.