Salient

Hurricanes vs Crusaders

By Salient | 24 Mar, 2008

The year was 2006
Legendary Tekken fighter Paul Phoenix began to lose pupils from his judo dojo, as they grew tired of his constant claims to be “the toughest fighter in the universe,” despite not once having won the Iron Fist tournament. He departed the Playstation world of Tekken and moved to rural Canterbury, changing his name to Richie McCaw. He then gathered about himself a band of Crusaders, all on a quest to dominate Aotearoa.

Meanwhile, in the blustering alleys of Wellington, samurai orc warrior Rodney So’oialo stepped up to lead a Hurricane of dreadlocked fury. Having been trained in all of the orcish war-arts by his mentor (the grand weathermaster Umaga), So’oialo would drive his windy rabble on to challenge the Crusaders for supremacy of the cloudy isles.

On 27 May that year, in an arena constructed of jade, the judopowered Crusaders mounted a defence against the Northern orc hurricane. While it swept down with full fury, Phoenix called up the gods of fog to shroud his warriors in a comforting blanket of ghosts, and they held on until the Hurricanes were forced to retreat, dejected, to their home.

When 2007 rolled around, rather than returning to their civil warfare, both Phoenix and So’oialo were recruited to lead the elite Black Guard of Goblin Lord Henry. Henry put together this crack squadron in an attempt to steal the holy grail from a castle in England.

After easily dispatching the first four layers of defence to the infernal after-world, the Black Guard traversed the Welsh mountains to do battle against a Caveman and his blue knights. Their armour stained an ominous grey, the Black Guard put up a valiant effort but were eventually defeated by the dirty tactics of the Caveman’s hoard.

Following this ignominious defeat, the Black Guard scattered to the four winds. Phoenix once more slunk back into the world of Tekken, returning to his roundhouse kicks and dojo rambles. So’oialo landed back into Wellington, and back into the arms of his queen.

It is now 2008, and Phoenix has returned to once again lead his Crusaders. With the disintegration of the Black Guard, civil war has arisen again throughout our land, and as the Crusaders mount their assault on the capital, only Phoenix’ former brother-in-arms So’oialo can stop him. Battle commences at 7:35 this Friday the 28th of March, at the Cake Tin. The fate of our land rests on the outcome of this battle.