Salient

You are here > Home / Columns / What Colour is Your Eyes

It’s interesting that some kids reach fifteen and already know who they are and where they’re going. When I was fifteen I liked party pills and dressed like my mother owned Glassons, and yet these kids strut around in stylish outfits, listening to hip music and telling anyone who will listen about their goals for the next ten years. Wait, it’s not interesting, it’s fucking annoying.

I found my twenty-first birthday a bit difficult. My father dressed in a pale blue suit with a pink sequined bow-tie, my mother in a floor-length gown. It should have been great—I hit Watusi with my friends and parents, downed cocktails, opened presents, and my parents lasted the evening without making one of those excruciating speeches you get at some twenty-firsts.

Then it hit me. An adult! I’m supposed to be an adult! I put down my tequila, ordered a dry martini, and tried to think of something to say that wasn’t related to clothes, music or celebrity gossip. I had nothing.

“It was that kind of a crazy afternoon, terrifically cold, and no sun out or anything, and you felt like you were disappearing every time you crossed a road.”

Oh God, I was having a Holden Caulfield moment at twenty-one! There I was, surrounded by people I love, and all I could think about was my insignificance, my lack of purpose, my worthlessness. Who was I?

If only Holden had internet access! My quarter life crisis naturally put a bit of a dampener on my evening, but it didn’t result in months of soul-searching, therapy or a course of Prozac. No, all I needed to find myself was a quick round of Facebook quizzes.

There’s something incredibly addictive about Facebook quizzes. In reality, I do know that a result based on questions such as “what is your favourite colour?” is not going to tell me how many children I will have in the future, but again and again I find my hand moving towards the “Take this Quiz” button.

Do you want to know a bit about me?

I’m an art freak/hipster. I am “often friends with stoners, but may not smoke up”. I’m “often quiet, and have really weird mannerisms, but have a very eccentric personality”. I have swine flu. I’m very white; I “pay taxes, listen to pop music, rock, country”. My celebrity boyfriend is Will Smith. My anime character is very immature. I am “as cool as a cucumber and should live in Wellington”. I’m a “Bukowski kind of girl—pornographic, self-destructive, exuberant”. I’m an “oily-haired slob” who will always be “a slightly unrealized potential”. A quiz titled “What colour is your eyes?” told me that they are blue, and that I “like walking on the beach and watching the ski”. I’m “sooooo tomboy”.

I have an “aura which allures great thinkers and free spirits to fawn over” me. However, I “might not be able to understand everything they are trying to say, but after passing the pipe around, will be seeing amazing things as well”. I’m a geek, who “loves dressing up as characters that don’t exist”. I am “a slut who enjoys getting laid”. I am an Eagle, which means that I should “stay away from a wolf or horse personality”. I “don’t like sitting” and I “love doing hard thinks”. I am not on a boat.

Everyone’s got to have a ‘schtick’. Rachael loves vaginas. She sent me a postcard once, with only the word ‘vagina’ scrawled on the back. Henri loves solvents. Cressida loves graphic novels and World of Warcraft. Luka is good at everything, from styling a beehive to building a wardrobe. Caitlin has hippie tendencies. Grace loves cats. Phylli takes her top off a lot. I, according to Facebook, am an unkempt, geek-whore who likes drugs and country music, and needs to stay away from horses.

My friends have all been through an internet dating phase at one stage or another, something that I have thus far avoided. Without fail, they would exchange witty, promising emails with a prospective lover only to be severely let down on their first date.

Nonetheless, I think I’m going to give it a go. To avoid confusion, I am going to be totally honest about who I am. “My name is Juliet Buckler. I am an oily-haired slut who enjoys getting laid and walking on the beach. I have blue eyes and swine flu, and am very immature. I’m a real tomboy, who loves dressing up. I may or may not like getting stoned. Please do not reply if you are a wolf or a horse personality”.

See you online, baby.

So far, no comments have been made. Go on, be the first!