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The landfills are overflowing. The hole in the ozone layer is getting bigger. Let’s talk about clothes.

So I fell in love with a dress last week. I’m talking true love. I love this dress more than I love Harry Potter. I love this dress more than I loved my pet rabbit Christmas (RIP). Hell, I love this dress more than I love my own mother. I can’t have the bloody dress, of course—the left sleeve costs as much as my booklist three times over. But this hasn’t stopped me visiting it every day, obsessively thinking about it, and telling everyone I know about it. I was put on this earth to wear that dress. It is perfection.

My mother and I had a long conversation about ‘the dress’ over dinner, as my father and the boyfriend exchanged bemused glances. My mother quickly wiped the smug grim off poor Kim’s face when she asked, “So, you would have asked Juliet out if she was wearing a big old hole-ridden polar-fleece?” He should, of course, have chimed in with something like “Of course I would have—even though I had barely talked to her I could tell that she was a nice young woman”, but he couldn’t seem to get the words out. “I guess not”, was his supremely smooth reply.

I admire his honesty. You see, to admit that we judge people on the basis of what they wear is to expose ourselves as shallow. Surely the only function of clothes should be to protect us from the weather? But why, then, do I ache for that dress? Why have I been dreaming of that autumny metallic print ever since I laid eyes on it? Why have I been considering a one-night Vivian Street excursion in order to get the money together to buy it?

It’s not that I think I’ll be happier wearing it. It’s not that I think it will make me feel more confident, sexier. No, it’s envy that I’m after. I want to walk into a party and see my friend’s eyes narrow in desperate longing. I want to meet the Queen on the street and make her look down at her own shabby outfit in disgust. Good Lord, I need that dress.
So I’m shallow, judgemental, and can sometimes develop slightly unnatural feelings for a garment. I’m not the first, you know. History has proven that life is more fun in pretty dresses. Look back at the Puritans, closing the theatres and bashing all of the fun out of life in their heavy black garb. I’d rather be a superficial twit in a beautiful Elizabethan dress than live the dreary life they led. And Marie Antoinette! She threw sequins in the face of poverty and politics, and lived a full and happy life (until her head fell off). Princess Di is another royal example of the importance of a good wardrobe, as a woman remembered as much for her outfits as… wait… what else did she do?

My mother is proof that we never grow out of this tendency to place rather too much importance on the way we dress. A couple of months before I saw ‘the dress’, she came across ‘the coat’. It is a bloody lovely coat—complete with enough blue velvet, ruffles and tiers to satisfy even the most ostentatious drama teacher. But of course the coat alone wasn’t enough. Next came the broch to pin on the coat. Then the burgundy boots to wear with the coat. I think by the end of the spree my father was just relieved that she didn’t decide to repaint the entire house in a coat-complimentary colour scheme.

Even my father, as much as he pretends not to, takes pleasure in clothes. He goes for a sort of mobster look, complete with trilby hats and leather jackets. I remember visiting Costume Cave to pick out a dress for my 21st, and being surprised to see him disappear into the changing rooms with a pale blue suit and pink sequined bow-tie. It’s always the quiet ones.

We can be superficial creatures, us humans, and sometimes it’s fun to just own it. I admit that I probably worry about what to wear more than I worry about climate change. I confess that I think more about the merits of sequins than I think about the state this world is in. But if there is anyone on campus who can prove that they never even notice what people are wearing, come to the Salient office. You’ve won a $100 shopping spree at the shop of your choice.

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