Salient

The Blackcaps Squad are all Psycho Ex-Girlfriends

By Michael Oliver | 26 Feb, 2007

We open the shades on 2007’s world of sport with a shimmering cut through the cover defence of one of our nation’s most bipolar sporting outfits; a team whose deep fine-leg has been long on for so long that not even a third man could help lift the stumps on its sticky wicket. They deliver bouncer upon bouncer, canoodling our hopes, cutting them over the top for six before capitulating to a total that no amount of reverse swing could swing into reverse. It’s because of these and far more pragmatic reasons, that the Blackcaps are the most devastatingly difficult side to support; a team where the word bipolar is not only apt for describing their results, but their behaviour on field as well. To stretch the analogy further beyond the realms of sensible analysis, the Blackcaps aren’t so much a cricket team, as they are a squadron of psycho ex-girlfriends. Now, far be it for me to look disdainfully upon the recent manic episode, whereby the lads in black laid siege to the canary-gold of Michael Hussey’s Australia in the recent Chappell-Hadlee Trophy series. For you see, this jolt of form has been impeccably timed, and well received by fans and commentators alike. We are but weeks away from the opening match of the Cricket World Cup in the West Indies; a series win over the once-revered number-one ranked side naturally does wonders for confidence, self-belief and all the delicious psychoanalytical sports furore that’s so often tossed around when a team is on the rise. But they’re still psycho ex-girlfriends, and here’s why. The psychosis of the psycho ex-girlfriend is often a titillating factor during times of flirtation, courtship, coitus and the like. A man may become so infatuated with these surges of psychotic energy that they often come to expect it, even view it as common. Upon a time where that energy begins to dissipate and flutter away, a man may become disjointed, even disappointed. The dominos begin to tumble, and that super energetic ‘slightly kooky, but awesome’ girlfriend becomes just another name to erase from one’s phone. But the psycho ex-girlfriend always knows where to turn; she knows what flipped your bails off before, and she knows what to do to do it again – perhaps with more energy than before. She won’t leave you alone, and neither will the Blackcaps. Their slapdash form at the start of the summer turned us away, only to rocket upwards on the back of Oram’s blade, only to collapse at the foot of England, mighty blighty herself. And now, they’ve outdone themselves again, calling forth that psychotic spark that titillated us so with the promise of more exciting escapades to come! You see, we don’t really want to call stumps on this side yet. For one thing, the cigarette afterwards always tastes just that little bit sweeter on the back of a manic run chase that results in victory.