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An Idiot’s Guide To Life
By Denny Lamb | 15 Oct, 2007
It’s been a long road getting you to this point. I finally feel like I can let you go, like a mother duck watching her ducklings float away to become a Cantonese dinner. It started with such humble beginnings. You learnt the art of the two minute noodles and how to pass your papers. Under my steadfast guidance you even managed to make new friends - sorry, make friends, full stop. And as you may have guessed, this is the last issue of Salient for the year, and therefore my final column, my last words of wisdom, my epitaph, my ultimate hurrah! More
By Denny Lamb | 8 Oct, 2007
Alright, it’s time to get serious. In the course of this year I’ve been trying to improve your lives. Now it is time for me to save those lives. The Zombie Invasion IS a threat. The signs have been in your face your whole life and sadly most of you have chosen to ignore them. I read somewhere that life imitates art, which imitates life, and so on, and it does! We’ve all been in romantic triangles with hilarious consequences. More
By Denny Lamb | 1 Oct, 2007
Now that it is near the end of what I hope has been a successful year for you, I imagine you’re beginning to think about your future. This may be your first year at Uni, or your seventh. (Regardless of what you believe, if you spend more than seven years at University, you’re not there to learn, you’re just scared of leaving). But you can’t stay at Uni forever. So you might be thinking about what direction your life may take. This column will hopefully give you at least one option: Running a successful business! More
By Denny Lamb | 24 Sep, 2007
When you write a column for a student magazine, you learn a thing or two about life. Once you’ve accepted the task of writing more than 20 articles without pay, you then need to face the possibility that perhaps nobody even reads your articles. So what do you do? You write the best damn article you can, so if people aren’t reading it, then you’re having the last laugh because they are missing out! And you laugh all the way to the emotional bank, or Kiwi Bank, or sperm bank which ever has the best cups. More
By Denny Lamb | 17 Sep, 2007
Hey pal, are your studies going well? I ask because it is a special time of year, a time when going to class and doing assignments becomes less important. Just like every September - it’s Rugby World Cup season! More
By Denny Lamb | 10 Sep, 2007
It’s come to my attention that some of you idiots are confused by some of the things I write about. The snorks may or may not exist, I apologise for not making that clear. Several of you have lashed out at me because of your lack of understanding and I have decided to put an end to it. I will share with you the tool I have used to flesh out many a column. Prepare to be amazed by the wonders of… The Internet! More
By Denny Lamb | 3 Sep, 2007
Hey my intellectually impaired friends, hope all your studies and life pursuits are going well, and that your holiday was pleasant. Now that it’s crunch time, not breakfast, but coming pretty close to exam time, I should write you a refresher column for exams. More
By Denny Lamb | 13 Aug, 2007
Today boy idiots and girl idiots, I am going to tell you a story, an exciting tale about dragons and wizards, well, I’ll probably miss most of those parts out, they get in the way of the “facts” (and I use that word in the loosest terms), Today’s idiots guide is about religion.
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By Denny Lamb | 6 Aug, 2007
Well, by now you’ve been at University for over half a year. Yes, that’s right, you heard it here first! Well done. It’s a feat that even many smart people can’t manage. You’ve no doubt by now realised that there is more to university than just going to class and writing essays. There are sports, clubs, media (like news and celebrity gossip and stuff), and politics. More
By Denny Lamb | 16 Jul, 2007
So guys, welcome back to reading! That’s a past time that I’m sure you didn’t take advantage of during the holidays. Come to think of it, what did you idiots get up to? If you’ve been reading our column, you know you didn’t need to waste your time studying! I’ve just realised that I left you at the mercy of the gods! More
By Denny Lamb | 9 Jul, 2007
So you got into trouble, didn’t you idiot? You somehow managed to stumble your way through most of the semester, making noodles whenever hungry, and finding friends at every opportunity, and yet you faced your biggest hurdle - exams. Because of this, I thought that I would take time out of my busy schedule and tell you how you could have aced your exams, or at least passed them.
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By Denny Lamb | 28 May, 2007
Good morning students! And good evening idiots! I base that greeting safely secure in the knowledge that most idiots will have taken around 12 hours to read this far into Salient. Twelve hours is half a day. Or one sleep for an idiot. Over the past weekend I have had none. You see I took part in this years 48 hours short film competition. More
By Denny Lamb | 21 May, 2007
I have just recently returned from a weekend excursion I took to the southern city of Dunedin (pronounced June-Din). That means I wasn’t home when you came round, and you probably shouldn’t have camped out on my doorstep, but you did, and that’s why you’re an idiot. If only you knew of some way to follow me on my journey! More
By Denny Lamb | 14 May, 2007
I bet you picked up this week’s Salient and just couldn’t wait to find out what you could learn from me today. Well good. Today, you will learn how to make friends.
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By Denny Lamb | 7 May, 2007
You know, I’m proud of you. I really am. You’re still learning from this column.
You’ve taken the first step. Realising you’re an idiot is a big step. By now, you know that when you ask a question in your lecture, everybody else is laughing at you because - yes, it is a stupid question. More
By Denny Lamb | 30 Apr, 2007
If you’re reading this, you have two things going for you:
1. You’ve hopefully learnt to read;
2. You’re probably enrolled at University.
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By Denny Lamb | 23 Apr, 2007
Hunger. This occurs in the stomach and is probably caused by food goblins. To explain it in true B grade horror style, it’s what happens when your stomach begins to eat itself! What can you do about it? No, other than eat yourself?
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By Chris Dawson and Mark Scott | 26 Mar, 2007
So, you’re an idiot. Congratulations. By reading this column you’re already putting yourself ahead of the game. Over the coming weeks we will seek to assist you in understanding the simpler things in life. Remember that life is a tale told by an idiot, so just because you’re an imbecile, this doesn’t mean you can’t lead a rewarding life - look at Forrest Gump and Matthew Ridge. First up in our guide to a simpler understanding: the bicycle.
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