Salient

Porn stars to start religion

By Gonzo the News Mole | 28 May, 2007

In a world of constant conflict and growing aggression it pleases G.N.M. greatly to run a story this week that holds hope for the future. After all, life can’t be one constant Black Sabbath, indeed in this case it may be a Pink Sabbath!

That’s correc, G.N.M. has been given a press release about a commune of porn stars that wish to set up a religion, apparently to bring the ‘light of love’ to the entire world. The group headed by the somewhat infamous starlet Silvia Saint wish to set up the so called ‘Church of the Holy Flesh’ in Amsterdam in Holland, a church which critics have slammed for both its immorality and its tax break opportunity.

The group of porn stars themselves have attempted to dispel rumours that it is just for tax opportunities and is actually for the benefit of the people who have started to follow this burgeoning religion, a religion based around seeking higher levels of consciousness through sexual acts. A spokesperson (Mr Nightly) for the group spoke with a loyal G.N.M. correspondent in Amsterdam, Mr T. Iommi.

Iommi: So essentially what is it that your religion hopes to preach?

Dick Nightly: Well we are all about enjoying what God gave us, and seeking higher plains of thought through the exploration of carnality.

Iommi: So what do you say to people who criticise you on the grounds that your religion sounds a lot like the defunct sect ‘Children of God’ that were so rampant in their sexual abuse of minors and use of women as essentially cult prostitutes?

D. Nightly: We are not like them at all; we fully understand the issues surrounding sexual abuse and the violation of minor’s rights. After all I am a star and have filmed in many locations; I’ve seen what goes on in Bangkok and other places like this. See, we are a religion for consenting adults, and are in this with strict notions about all things tantric, this is not just an excuse for great sex with a whole lot of random people. You don’t need a religion to do that, and hell, I get paid too so it’s not like we need an excuse.

Iommi: So essentially you’re a tantric sect, who all happen to be porn stars? Why don’t you just endorse one of the Hindu sects?

Nightly: Well you see we follow the patron saint Anna-Nicole Smith, who shows us that this life can be a life devoted to the body and to sex and to the following of one’s own virtuous needs.

Iommi: So… Fucking old guys for money?

Nightly: No No! Not at all. This is about exploration of one’s wholeness and enjoyment of sex and of one’s own body. Do you not see that traditional religions are very restricting in their views about sex and enlightenment? We want to share that joy with other people. This is what saint Anna-Nicole Smith showed us.

When asked if this was a good way to make extra money off the participants by posting any footage on the newly established site ‘Amateur Tantric Orgies’ that has been linked to Silvia Saint, Mr. Nightly refused to comment. Essentially while in theory this religion sounds like some wonderful liberating idea, the practice seems almost pointless. It is the humble opinion of this reporter that these people are a bunch of nut jobs, or more than likely have some insidious notions that fuel their want for this religion to be established.

Indeed a small stash of leaked documents that made their way into the hands of Mr Iommi, detailed the churches’ possible mandatory waiver to be completed as part of any ceremony attended. Much like the band DethKlok and their ‘Pain Waivers’ the church of the holy flesh is proposing to launch a ‘Pleasure Waiver’ that entitles the church to have no liability for legal infringements of rights, including privacy and STDs. To G.N.M. this smells like some kind of horrible money-making scheme playing on the weak of mind and the loose of values. But what would we know, we’re just a bunch of alkies that report the news that matters.

As always , bringing you the news that matters, New Zealand. G.N.M.