Gonzo the News Mole
By Gonzo the News Mole | 15 Oct, 2007
In a shocking event that occurred just minutes before the final battle that would decide the fate of the world, time was displaced in an act of pure metaphysical angst and dilation, rendering the apocalypse an event so localised it affected one small commune of hippies in the East Midlands in England. More
By Gonzo the News Mole | 8 Oct, 2007
At a press conference at 2am New Zealand time, the Vatican’s head, Chamberlain Karl Sanders, announced that after much talk with the United Nations, they would pledge their troops and their secret spies that have all been involved in the hunt for God will be pulled out and added to the force that hopes to combat the Zombie army.
More
By Gonzo the News Mole | 1 Oct, 2007
Psychics from across the world agree that the end is nigh, and that the apocalypse is upon us. Next Wednesday the culmination of the Zombie army of doom, the now apparent arrival of alien hordes that have as predicted allied with the Zombie Army, will result in the fight to end all fights. More
By Gonzo the News Mole | 24 Sep, 2007
News broke over the weekend when the Tokyo police department released a statement that they had Japan’s most beloved mutant dinosaur creature thing in custody for questioning relating to suspicious activities and the possibility of him being an agent for the apocalypse. More
By Gonzo the News Mole | 17 Sep, 2007
It has been long held that the King of Rock died a horribly painful death in 1986 at the hands of the horrible warlord Suron during the third age. But upon a leaked press document from the United States Internal Affairs Department, it would appear that Elvis survived the whole battle and is now in fine health. More
By Gonzo the News Mole | 10 Sep, 2007
Breaking news loyal readers, it appears that in the world’s time of need and when parishioners are on an all time increase of nearly 1000 per cent, even in the wake of insurmountable odds, God has gone missing.
More
By Gonzo the News Mole | 3 Sep, 2007
Scientists in a top-secret Nepalese laboratory have ade a startling find during the weekend - it seems that the website formerly known as Bebo is more than meets the eye. In an exclusive report G.N.M reporter Jeffrey Whelan explains why.
More
By Gonzo the News Mole | 13 Aug, 2007
In a shock move that many claim is yet another sign of the coming apocalypse, the four horsemen who it was traditionally held would herald the rapture have been fired. The Holy See is claming responsibility for this shock move More
By Gonzo the News Mole | 6 Aug, 2007
It was long ago thought that the mighty robots that were the inspiration for the Hasbro toy company to produce a product that spawned thousands of battles with children on a miniature scale, had died out in the last North American jihad against fun during the 1950s. It would appear that we were all mistaken and indeed these mighty warriors have come forth from their hiding place to criticise the new film that some say glorifies them. G.N.M reporter Saul Hudson travelled to the arctic north of Norway to bring us this crucial story. More
By Gonzo the News Mole | 30 Jul, 2007
This week, stories from across the globe have poured into the G.N.M office detailing the brave but vain hopes of communities from across the globe hoping to stem the tide of Zombie death that threatens to engulf the world as we know it. Our valiant reporter David Fletcher Mustaine pulled together this story in a matter of days after extricating himself from an awkward situation in Dallas Texas and at Ozzfest.
More
By Gonzo the News Mole | 16 Jul, 2007
Scientists in America have today officially announced that technology which keeps many of America’s stars and starlets looking so young will be used in the next step of space exploration.
More
By Gonzo the News Mole | 9 Jul, 2007
During the break G.N.M scoured the globe to bring you the hard and fast stories that you really need to know, to live in this oh so complicated world we live in. This week G.N.M was contacted by one of its long standing correspondents in the ground in Russia.
More
By Gonzo the News Mole | 28 May, 2007
In a world of constant conflict and growing aggression it pleases G.N.M. greatly to run a story this week that holds hope for the future. After all, life can’t be one constant Black Sabbath, indeed in this case it may be a Pink Sabbath!
More
By Gonzo the News Mole | 21 May, 2007
My sources in Downing Street have passed on several crucial documents and a great number of meeting transcriptions to the team here at G.N.M, information that has alarming ramifications about the future of Britain foreign policy. More
By Gonzo the News Mole | 14 May, 2007
My sources in the Italian press forwarded me an e-mail in the course of the week that was rather startling in its ramifications. It would appear that the current Pope Benedict has reneged his harsh stance on Australian heavy metal band AC/DC that he so strongly held during his formative years as a priest (not to be confused with Judas), and is apparently happy to allow the release of AC/DC’s up and coming album which they recorded last year.
More
By Gonzo the News Mole | 7 May, 2007
This week my sources dug up a slip of paper that was apparently found in some fast food executive’s waste paper basket by their illegal Mexican immigrant cleaner. It would appear that fast food empire Burger King will be changing its ultra-secret recipe for its burger patties from the more commonplace ingredient of stray kittens, to that of the less common, beef. More
By Gonzo the News Mole | 30 Apr, 2007
American Soldiers Mystified
A leaked document from the United States Army to the Head of Security at the White House has revealed a startling fact: on Sunday, April 22, there were no casualties across the whole of Iraq, either in the insurgency or in the occupying force.
More
