Salient

Academic Idol: Round Ten

By Salient | 25 Sep, 2006

Well the tenth round was mired with voting inconsistencies, where the iron-clad voting systems employed by the Idol crew were cracked by an eager bunch. Not wanting another Florida on our hands, we decided to not throw anyone off. And have a DOUBLE elimination next week. So we managed to turn an annoyance into a complete upping of the stakes. Next week, you won’t be able to cheat, but I implore you to vote, because not one, but two of Victoria’s favourite sons will get the chop. Votes to the usual places, editor@salient.org.nz and 021 169 4608.

This week the question was:
“If you could have one superhuman aspect what would it be? And more importantly, how would it benefit your students?”

Peter Gainsford (Classics)

Much as I would like to be Arm-Fall-Off Boy, I don’t think that would benefit my students very much. And much as my students would doubtless like me to be a telepath, so that I could upload information straight into their minds (à la The Matrix), I’d find it a bit tedious myself; I’d get tired of having to block out everyone else’s thoughts.

I would be … Captain Coffee! With my Caffeine Vision I would see into people’s bloodstreams to determine whether they’ve had enough coffee yet this morning. I would use my French Roast Finger power to roast coffee beans to perfection. Using the amazing sonic powers of my Kenya Kroon, I’d sing coffee plungers to a perfect brew. My Aroma Aura would preserve the flavour and smell of freshly-brewed coffee for hours. Above all, I would use all my powers to combat my evil archenemies, Nescafe Nemesis, Sergeant Starbucks, and the Instant Imp.

I think the benefits to my students are obvious. Just as long as they don’t try to do barbaric things like putting in milk or sugar — for if they do — EVIL, WATCH OUT! Captain Coffee will smite you! Arrrr, me hearties.

John McDowall (Psychology)

Deep in the core of the Andromeda galaxy, past the rings of Thanatos, just before the Thur of Ardor, but slightly left and up a wee bit from the Barrier of Crebe, lies the planet Till. High in the mountains of Till, but below the Vestibule of Thebes, and not far from the Mound of Venus, lives the beautiful, but unpredictable She-demon, known as Passionata Von Climax – or “Pash” to her friends. A legend exits that says that whoever can “meld” with Pash both mentally and in the flesh, will absorb the power of Thane – that being the ability to alter the memories and perceptions of others, either for good or malevolent purposes. I want to meld with Pash – in the interests of my students, you understand. Two problems though. Firstly, I’m not sure how to get there, and secondly, legend has it that melding with Pash can be hazardous to your heath – apparently she has a tendency to bite your head off post-melding (Couldn’t she just lie back and have a cigarette?). I remain staunch. Should I succeed I will return to Earth – a small planet past the Rings of Ord – just before the –Oh never mind – and alter the perceptions of all our leaders in a way that convinces them that STUDENT FEES SUCK – AND NOT IN A GOOD WAY! That’s the sort of guy I am. Let’s meld!

David McLauchlan (Law)

My initial idea was that I would be a mind reader, but I then thought that knowing what is actually going on inside students’ heads while they are sitting in my classes would be too distressing and probably lead me to a very early grave. So in the end I decided that if I could have one superhuman aspect it would be immortality — in the physical and mental sense, because hopefully I already have it in the spiritual sense! Then all future generations of students will have the opportunity to be inspired by my teaching. And within a relatively short while, say by the year 2525, unless doomsday has intervened, I will have unparalleled legal knowledge, skills and historical perspectives to impart. Mind you, I reckon that after 500 more years I’ll be looking for a new career!

Sean Redmond (Film)

Since I can remember I have always wanted to fly like Superman. I suffer from a very mild form of claustrophobia so the idea of flight and the possibility of travelling at great speed, over and above endless space, acted as an enchanting skyway for me. Besides Superman wore blue tights and his pants on the outside: doesn’t this rank as one of the most ‘dangerous’ images in the whole history of popular culture? Superman queers America.

With flight I could replicate the balletic, graceful, wondrous movement of the mobile, air-borne camera. I could become the embodiment of the crane shot, swooping my students into Rick’s bar in Casablanca, across the bow of the millennium falcon, and onto the bejewelled dance floor of Top Hat where Fred and Ginger’s dancing feet would become our own. I could be a closeup at eye-level that slowly becomes a wideshot at high angle that gently becomes an aerial shot that gradually reveals a desert town, a noir-ish hovel, or a neon lit, hyperreal science fiction city of the future. If I had the gift of flight I could instantly take my students with me to all the locations made famous by film: Breakfast at Tiffany’s; ice skating in Central Park; sex, drugs and lashings of violence in Miami Vice. And we could still be home in time for tea.

OK: confession time: I have also always wanted to have super elastic snot that could rebound back up my nose with accurate, lightning quick precision. This wish’ followed a humiliating incident, in a communications class, where I sneezed and a giant, green bogey landed on my chin. This superhuman aspect would be great for demonstrating the art and craft of… horror special effects.