Salient

Contemporary fight club

By Jackson Wood | 17 Sep, 2008

Winston Peters versus Owen Glenn

Winston Peters

Peters, the parliamentary pugilist, is known for his powerful punches packed with pure poisonous persiflage precision. Peters is at an advantage here, as he is packing a few more weapons than Mr. Glenn.

Firstly, he has his smile: lethal to pensioners at 100 paces.

Secondly, in his right hand he carries the +9 burn damage Bucket of Saprogenisis. His left arm is built up from over twenty-five years of slinging the mystical contents of this seemingly endless vessel of vileness.

Thirdly, his most potent weapon, the Silver Tongue of Tauranga (Hiriwa arero o Tauranga), once thought to have been lost in the Maori Land Wars but rediscovered at the bottom of an empty wine cask during an electoral petition against Malcolm Douglas in 1978.

On the back foot after two months of skirmish attacks by the vultures in the press gallery, Peters is ready for the final battle. Cue ‘The Final Countdown.’

Owen Glenn

Owen Glenn stands back shaking his shaman’s staff towards the heavens. Deep in meditation, he channels the soul of his long lost identical twin: Augie Auer. He reaches down with his index and middle finger and scoops up some of the mud that has come to rest at his feet after weeks of persistent bombardment by Peters. Slowly he spreads it under his eyes in Rambo like fashion.

Glenn, armed with facts, affidavits, and phone records has based his battle plan on a flawed presumption: that the laws of logic and reason still operate within the hallowed halls of the House of Representatives.

Final Result

In a result that nobody expected Winston Peters delivers a decapitatory blow to Owen Glenn. Hiriwa arero o Tauranga slices through the connective tissue. Unfortunately for Helen Clark, who was a front row spectator at the match, Glenn’s head lands on her lap. With the scent of billionaire blood entrenched firmly in Winston’s olfactory glands he pounces on Helen’s lap, tearing out her guts and fashioning a turban out of her intestines.

Suddenly democracy as we know it crashes around us, and with his renewed mandate Winston creates a state based around the principals of Economic Tromocracy.