Technology
By Ryback, Hansmoleman, and shinigami | October 3, 2008
I decided to finish this year’s game reviews section with a major rager of an article. In response to the seriousness of the last couple of weeks, I’ve decided to write an article which is serious yet contemplative, modern yet contemporary, amusing yet steeped in mythology. If you are expecting an extension of the WoW expansion beta review of a month ago, which talked about “retardins” and had an in depth analysis of the new environments in Azeroth, you will be disappointed.
All I’ve been hearing on Fox News (“FAIR AND BALANCED”) in the last couple of weeks is “You Decide 2008”, so I’ve decided to pose a question to the predominantly 18-24 male nerd audience of this review. The VUWSA election has recently passed and so I thought it was only appropriate to have a game election. This question haunted me throughout my years as an adolescent nerd and I’ve never truly resolved the complex issue that it poses. In a way, this article is a call to all the guys in Cotton and Laby who want to be heard by the greater population of Victoria University. I want you guys to come out of your shell and express your opinion to this university. They have forgotten us for too long. Our translucent skin and non-existent muscle have been ridiculed for TOO LONG! So the issue is: What is the best Windows XP game?
Your choices:
Freecell
Hearts
Minesweeper
Solitaire
The candidates speak:
Freecell:
Hi, this is the King from Freecell. I reside in Compton, California. I have long tender white locks of hair and resemble Henry VIII. I look over 8 columns of randomly arranged cards and you have to order those cards on the right-hand side, bitch. You can use the left hand side BUT I’LL BE WATCHING YOU. I am hard even on a good day and as HansMoleman2000 hasn’t even managed to beat me once, he doesn’t even know what happens when you finish me off. What a lame bitch.
Hearts:
Welcome to the Hearts Network. What is your name? Are you interested in men or women? Are you interested in drunken sex in the Maya toilets or a deep relationship? Does your ultimate date consist of scripting Matlab or a romantic walk on the waterfront? Play the right card and you won’t score a point, or try to “Shoot the moon” by playing all the wrong cards.
Minesweeper:
Hi, I am the yellow circular face from Minesweeper. You may remember me from when YOU FUCKED UP and I went cross-eyed. It can be quite exciting occasionally, but most of the time I’m the blandest game on Windows.
Solitaire: I can be hard or easy, depending on what you are into. I am the cheap second cousin of Freecell, and I’m afraid to show my face. I am like the Hunchback of Notre-Dame. I spray cards all over you if you beat me at my own game because I have emotional issues and can’t control my anger.
In true Fox News fashion, I’ve taken a biased sample of the results by asking 4 nerds on my msn. The results from our EXCLUSIVE EXIT POLL:
Solitaire: 2/4
Spider Solitaire: 0/4 (spider cards. EDGY)
Hello Again Hans! Are You Interested In A Sexy Chatroom?: 2/4
World of Warcraft: 0/4
The Sims 3 – S&M Expansion Pack: 0/4
Interesting results aren’t they? However they do show the differences in opinions that exist in the gaming community. I have hopefully got a debate going in your group of friends, regardless of whether you reside in Cotton or you are one of the cool kids on the overbridge. Now let’s talk politics. The recent VUWSA elections have raised a question in my head. Why is there no Gaming Officer? I am proposing a person who can organize mass LANs. Women’s rights; queer rights; gamers’ rights. I like the sound of that combo.
As you have probably realized, this review is a rant and I’ve run out of material. So let’s try to summarise the past year in gaming and look into the future:
Although not strictly from this year, Call of Duty 4 is by far the best multiplayer game made in the last couple of years. Crysis was hyped and talked up, but definitely didn’t deliver the full payload it could have. Bioshock had a huge buildup and massively positive reviews, however I didn’t enjoy it. It tried to do too much. Plus the blood looks like strawberry jam [Ed: Get fucked, Bioshock fucking ruled, you philistinic mongoloid!]. GTA4, the fastest selling game ever, lived up to expectations and has definitely become an instant classic.
In the future, we can look forward to Diablo 3, new Call of Duty titles and Games Reviews the PC version of GTA4 (it’s gonna be better, console bitches!). Far Cry 2 will hopefully deliver what Crysis promised. Spore, just released, looks special. Ahh…isn’t it great to be a gamer? PS: I have not had anybody try to start the PC vs console debate with me. I guess it’s settled then. (ie personal computaz r da bomb)
But whoah, wait a minute, [Ryback enters into the article all guns blazing via bold font] - from a purely unbiased gamer’s perspective (having owned numerous consoles and Pcs), PC gaming is unfortunately in dire straits, it’s a bummer but console gaming is the way of the future, no more expensive upgrades, I’d rather spend my scrilla on fly threads to keep fresh for da ladies cause only us cool pipatea ballas know what it’s like to have the skux
P.S Hansmoleman’s so called leet machine crashes while playing multiplayer COD4, I heard that doesn’t happen with consoles
P.P.S If you own a Mac, you just jumped on the failtrain, while every other gamer is having a great time on the lolercoaster. Oh yeaaa!
[HansMormon3.14 re-enters the debate from the back entrance]
Your first paragraph contains no full stops. Subsequent paragraphs do not contain full stops. You are fucken shit at grammar. My leet machine doesn’t crash, it just takes breaks. Your comment “only us cool pipatea ballas know what it’s like to have the skux.” is completely false. If you would like to see who has the “skux”, please visit Laby or Cotton. Casey Ryback isn’t even a real person. He got shot in the shoulder in Under Siege 2: Dark Territory and still managed to kill everybody on the train. IT’S STEVEN SEAGAL. He’s blatantly a pussy who cooks pastries. HANSMOLEMAN CHANGES COLOUR. Haven’t you seen No Country for Mole Men?
Conclusion: Epic fail for consoles
[Games Ed: With the grandeur and grace afforded to me by these WICKED SICK square brackets, I’m gonna jump in here and mock both these n00bs. Lets start with that shit for brains FPS r3tard Ryback.
Seriously. What is with you? Consoles will never take it out – they will always be PC gaming’s weak little suicidal brother. I can’t take anything seriously from a gamer who consistently scores the LOWEST in multiplayer Cod4 HQ 2v2s. Learn to flashbang, Ryback. Its either that, or scampering back to Cooking Momma on the Wii. Oh, and while I’m at it, you are yet to beat me in Company of Heroes. And I’m pretty shit. Beat me at that, then we’ll talk.
Now HansMORON – where do I start with you? You may be able to program Matlab like a maestro, but I’m yet to see you figure out how to run your own router in a DMZ. Gtfo, network noob. I expect better from a dude majoring in electrical engineering. Your lack of faith disturbs me. Still, you are a loyal PC brother – and you are decent at Cod4, even if all you fucking use is the shitty grenade launcher because you ain’t got no real shotgun skills like a true haxx0r. I generally agree with your wrap up of this year’s titles. It’s been a pretty average year for gaming to be honest. Not as great as the glory that was 2004. Spore was a fucking letdown.
Still, we got Crysis Warhead, StarCraft 2 and Stalker: Clear Sky to cream our pants over. Bring on the fucking holidays.]
By Shinigami | September 22, 2008
Released in 2003 and banned all across Australasia, this game inevitable rekindled the age of old debate of video game violence. It’s graphic killings, snuff film plot, and horror themes were feared incite teenage kids going out and suffocating people with shopping bags. More
By Shinigami | September 22, 2008
The point of this game is excessive, bed wetting carnage. It has no plot, and all your really required to do is run around in first person, shooting things – and amusing yourself by commiting acts of terror and vandalism. The problem is, it’s not very amusing at all. Im sorry, but there isn’t really anything particularly memorable about shooting diary owners and then having the ability to urinate (in a yellow stream of 1997 animated pixels) all over the shop. It’s boring. More
By Zoe Heine | September 22, 2008
Computers are wonderful things. They entertain you via videos on YouTube, educate you through Wikipedia (though never ‘officially’), allow you to keep in touch with friends on Facebook (or Bebo, MySpace, or one of the other thousands of social networking sites), they spellcheck your work and give grammar advice, and mean everyone can understand your writing no matter how messy your handwriting is. Sure, sometimes they refuse to obey you and make you want to throw them off a high building, but you never do because deep down, you know you’d be lost without it. Yet despite the amazing benefit of computers they are not as innocent as they look.
The mass of metals, plastics and chemicals that make up your ‘friendly’ computers combine to form one dangerous blend of electronic wonder. Not dangerous in the sense that it will jump up and stab you to death, but dangerous in a slow and sneaky way. It’s the type of dangerous that slowly poisons you without you noticing, like a clever cook putting small amounts of lead in your soup. In fact on the Ministry for the Environment’s list of types of wastes computers are classified as a ‘special’ waste, meaning toxic but in a way that’s hard to define (in fact they’re listed right beside explosives, which are dangerous in the “Oh my god, I no longer have a hand,” kind of way).
So why do computers deserve to be labelled in this way? Well anything that could potentially give you cancer or give you brain damage is hardly ‘safe’. In fact toxic substances in computers can be 30% of its total weight.
First of there are Brominated Flame Retardants put in most of the plastics used in computers. Without them computers could well become dangerous in the “Oh my god, I was just playing solitaire and now my house is on fire,” way. But they aren’t just a fire fighting hero; some are linked with cancer, reproductive damage, and permanent disturbance to development and the hormonal system. Most worryingly it’s released from plastics through use. In other words the dust in most homes contains BFRs, en route from a product like a computer to your blood stream. Having a computer that doesn’t spontaneously burst into flames is undoubtedly a good thing, but so is being sure the dust in your house doesn’t give you cancer.
The other dangerous components of computers are even more subtle. They won’t affect you while you’re using it; it’s when you dispose of the computer that they release their arsenal. The computer monitor is a prime example. The CRT screens, i.e. the ones that aren’t flashy, contain lead; and the new flat screens, i.e. the new flashy ones, contain mercury. Both are metals that have long had a bad reputation. They are known to cause brain damage in children along with a host of other suspect side-effects.
So why does this matter if they can’t harm you directly from your computer? These metals build up in the environment when disposed of, leak into the water systems and then are absorbed into the animals that use them. Of course lead in a secure landfill with all the mod cons, like, thrills of thrills, a lining to prevent leakage, is not as dangerous as a lead pipe being used to bash your head in. But if 1000 computers are thrown out each year in one New Zealand landfill, each containing 1.6 kg of lead, that is 1600 kgs of lead. That is an awful lot of toxic material hanging round and it will most likely last longer than the lining keeping it in.
There are a host of other suspect materials used in computers but most are in miniscule amounts. Still is any amount of a toxic material, such as cadmium that is a carcinogen and causes kidney damage, miniscule enough?
In particular the problem with putting toxic substances into a computer, no matter how useful they are, is what’s put in must come out. Sometimes computers make it to secure landfills where at least there is a system in place. In other cases computers are just dumped or end up being shipped to developing countries where burning of waste is a common practise and no infrastructure exists to deal with the pollution. Recycling is also limited by the presence of these toxic substances.
But so what if computers are box of toxic substances just waiting to escape, nobody is going to give up their right to Google and YouTube. The good news is that you don’t have to. Slowly these materials are being replaced to create models that won’t give you cancer when you’re not looking.
However there is still improvement needed and consumer demand is key. Substituting these materials out of computers makes no difference to performance or cost, it just makes all the difference to the health of the world. And it means you can continue to use Wikipedia or Bebo stalk to your heart’s content without worry.
For more information on the issues in this column go to Greenpeace guide to greener electronics:
http://www.greenpeace.org/international/campaigns/toxics/ electronics/how-the-companies-line-up
Ministry for the Environment:
http://www.mfe.govt.nz/issues/waste/special/e-waste/index.html
The Green Hornets:
http://www.thegreenhornets.spruz.com
By Shinigami | September 22, 2008
The game that everyone avoids like the plague, but then extols the virtues of once they’ve sat down and played for a few hours. Its gaming crack. And it needs to be stopped. Before you know it you will loose friends, loved ones, workmates, employers or national economies to this insidious version of online crack juice. But it looks so awesome, and is built on such a cool idea! Every child dreamt of jumping into the world created by the very first Warcraft game. More
By Mriceguy | September 15, 2008
Although it’s expected these days, Army of Two was designed for co-op play. You play as two best buddies, Rios and Salem, who are private contractors hired by the American military to exterminate power hungry military corporations. These two mercenaries are so hard that they can stomach a friendly fist pound after slaughtering hundreds of soldiers. More
By Joe | September 8, 2008
Game: World of Warcraft:
Wrath of the Lich King Beta (Wotlk)
Genre: MMORPG (Massive Multiplayer Online Role
Playing Game – or in WoW’s case – a second job.)
Platform: Windows, Mac OS X
Publisher: Blizzard
(A Reader sent this review in, handwritten, over four pages. I had to print it. I understand that it won’t make sense to most people – but for the true 1337 gamers who can decipher it. Enjoy.)
Over 5 million people have been waiting for this expansion since the trailer came out. But Blizzard protect their release dates like a father protecting his daughter’s virginity. However, with the release of beta on the test realms, many estimate it’s going on the shelves around Christmas time. More
By Mriceguy | September 1, 2008
Guitar Hero is a recognised brand globally, although it was really Konami that invented the music/rhythm genre with GuitarFreaks. Yet Guitar Hero, by porting to the console from the arcade, really capitalised the genre and brought it mainstream. This time around Harmonix have moved on to bigger and better things with Rockband, (still not released in NZ) so Neversoft of Tony Hawk fame have taken the reigns as developer and here we have Guitar Hero III: Legends of Rock. More
By Ryback | August 11, 2008
Its been a while but I’m (Ryback) back and with a vengeance. The NZ distributor for Nintendo Wii games going under was like a sniper shot to the shoulder. But like any good Seagal movie, it has not got me down but rather made me stronger. Now armed with a Ps3, bought with hard earned pingers saved, the guidance of the frugal master Hansmoleman2000 and the precision military style of TV3’s own ginger ninja More
By Mriceguy | August 4, 2008
Developer: EA Redwood Shores
Platform: Xbox 360, PS3, Ps2 Wii, PC
Publishers: Electronic Arts
Genre: 3D Platformer
There have been many Simpsons’ games in the past but really they weren’t any good. More
By Hans Moleman | July 28, 2008
Developer: Blizzard North
Publishers: Blizzard Entertainment
Genre: RPG
Classic Games that won’t break the Budget Diablo 2. RPG without the D&D bullshit More
By Shinigami | July 14, 2008
I was going to be able to review some new kick arse party pumping wii game for you folks this week. But I can’t. Hitech, the main distributer of Nintendo products in New Zealand went into receivership, and subsequently the Salient office lost of its drip feed of Nintendo goodies. Fucking bummer. More
By Hansmoleman2000 | July 7, 2008
Game: Call of Duty 4
Platform: Xbox 360, PS3, PC (windows)
Genre: 1st person shooter
Developer: Infinity Ward
I remember about five years ago when I arrived at a mate’s birthday party ready to party hard (in a non-drunken, adolescent and nerdy manner). However all plans for social interaction on my part were lost when his father handed him a copy of Call of Duty for his birthday present. More
By Shinigami | May 26, 2008
Game: Assassin’s Creed
Platform: Xbox 360, PS3, PC (windows)
Genre: 3rd person adventure
Developer: Ubisoft Montreal
Publisher: Ubisoft
I really don’t know what I think about Assassin’s Creed. Half of me wants to proudly proclaim it the spiritual successor of the Prince of Persia series, and probably one the best games on offer this summer. More
By Mriceguy | May 19, 2008
Only once in a while do games really remind you of why you play video games in the first place. Grand Theft Auto IV is one such a game. On the surface it may seem like a mindless romp: running over pedestrians, firing on hotdog stands and soliciting in the service of prostitutes; it is that and oh so much more. More
By Shinigami | May 12, 2008
Game: Tom Clancy’s Rainbow Six:Vegas 2
Platform: Xbox 360, PC
Genre: Tactical Shooter
Developer: Ubisoft Montreal
Publisher: THQ
I’ve always looked sadly upon the Rainbow Six series. What a run its hard. From the glory days of its first instalments, Rainbow Six, Rouge Spear, and Raven Shield, it has completely and utterly fallen from grace. I am saddened. I still consider Raven Shield to be the pinnacle of tactical shooters, and the greatest example of SWAT realism ever presented to the LCD screen. More
By Mriceguy | May 12, 2008
Game: Stuntman: Ignition
Genre: Action Racer
Developer: Paradigm Entertainment
Publisher: THQ
Stuntman: Ignition is the sequel to the stunt driving game, Stuntman released on the PS2. It does try to improve the formula but that still isn’t enough to save this title from being left alone on store shelves. More
By Hans Moleman | May 5, 2008
I received a text from fellow game reviewers Ryback (yes, he named his internet alter-ego after Casey Ryback, aka Steven Seagal) and shinigami during the holidays, inviting me to a LAN. We all collected up our 1338 (1338>1337) computers and showed them off to each other. I stared through Ryback’s CPU viewing window, and he stared through mine. It was a deep moment. More
By Shinigami | April 28, 2008
Game: Gears of War
Genre: 3rd Person Shooter
Publisher: Epic Games
Fucking hell. Gears of War is great. It’s not perfect, but it’s still pretty amazing. Many production houses badly try to do the whole sci-fi shooter thing. At last we have a game that doesn’t. More
By Salient | April 7, 2008
Game: Burnout Paradise
Genre: Arcade Racer
Developer: Criterion Games
Publisher: EA Games
Burnout Paradise flat spins the Burnout franchise in an entirely new direction, creating a huge open world named Paradise City. More
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